Great thoughts which accentuate my article, The Importance of Raising Resilient Children.
“The strongest oak of the forest is not the one that is protected from the storm and hidden from the sun. It is the one that stands in the open where it’s compelled to struggle for its existence. Against the winds, rains and the scorching sun.”
What thoughts can you share on the importance of being resilient?
I suppose it’s natural for a parent to want to protect their child from disappointment and heartache. I worried for more than six weeks about when the right time would be for our kids to see their dad who was comatose and had several other life threatening health problems from the car accident. They asked me every day when they would be able to see him. At ages seven and eight years old they couldn’t understand how severely hurt he was until they saw him. I don’t claim to have all the answers, nor do I know that my timing was perfect. What I do know is that I had their best interest in mind when I made the decision. Christopher and Katie were stunned when they walked into the room where their dad lay unconscious. At the first sight of him they stopped in their tracks and with unbelieving, widened eyes looked at him. The surgical masks they were required to wear in his room hid their opened mouths. Afraid to get any closer, they stayed just inside the doorway, speechless. What I learned from this experience is that our children are stronger and more resilient than I realized. They quickly recovered from the shock of their dad’s condition and the next time they saw him they weren’t afraid.
Since life is full of various illnesses, threats, tragedy, death, family and other relationship problems, it’s impossible to save them from all the adversities of life. Therefore, it’s essential to help our children rise above hurting because disastrous things will happen in their lives. Just as it is with adults, it’s common for children to experience setbacks, unwanted challenges, failures and even difficulties at home and school. If we protect our children from every fall, which is tempting to do, how will they learn to bounce back? As adults, it’s rewarding to see resilient children who are capable of effectively handling disappointment, failure and obstacles. Teaching children how to recover from hard times is important.
Here are four great tips I found on http://www.raisingresilientkids.com/.
Tip # 1 Give Our Children Undivided Attention
Quality time with children is more than just being with them physically. We must give them undivided attention by listening with our heart. When we give our full attention, they will feel important. They will be confident they can trust and depend on us in handling their situation.
Tip #2 Put Yourself in Your Child’s Shoes
When you face difficult situations and setbacks, you may talk to your spouse or a friend about it. All too often their response will be, “It’s okay, you can try again next time.” There’s nothing wrong with this reaction, however, it’s not what you wanted to hear. You want empathy and assurance that they will be with you until you are able to recover from your disappointment. Your children also need these things when they are down. They don’t want lectures or advice. Letting them know you understand them and you’re willing to support them will teach them resilience.
Tip # 3 Don’t Judge or Criticize Your Children
Accepting your children for who they are is one of the best ways to make them resilient. Well accepted and appreciated children become more confident and strong in facing any obstacles in life. If they aren’t criticized for the way they are, they become more appreciative of themselves and do better in life.
Tip # 4 Determine Your Child’s Strengths and Help Them Develop Those Strength
Each child has his own strengths and weaknesses. For example, if your child is good at music or a craft, help develop it and don’t try to make him excel in math or sports. Helping your child know his strengths will promote resilience in letting him know that he excels in somethings.
I would love to hear about a time when your child has been resilient or a tip on how you’ve taught this important trait.
While holding Mark’s hand and telling him about Western Rehab I felt him lightly squeeze my hand. Shocked and elated at his first movement in over six weeks I asked, “Did you just squeeze my hand?” I felt him squeeze it again. I grabbed the first nurse I saw and told her the good news. Skeptically she came into the room, took Mark’s hand and asked him to squeeze it. He did not. She looked at me and said sympathetically, it must have been a reflex without purpose. I knew differently.
When Dr. Hinchey did his morning rounds he said, “There is no change in Mark’s prognosis. He is still one point from being brain-dead and that point comes from his eye movement.”
“How can you say that? He just squeezed my hand.”
“If he can’t do it on command, it’s a reflex without purpose.”
Thinking, I’ve got to get Mark out of this negative environment, I asked, “Now that Mark’s red and white cell counts are getting in the normal range, how soon can we move him to Western Rehab?”
“I don’t know. We need to finish the treatment for his liver infection,” Dr. Hinchey said.
“Our children are out of school now and it’s hard to be this far from home. They ask me daily when they get to see their dad. When will that be possible?”
“They can come, but they will have to wear a mask over their mouth and wash up thoroughly before they come in the room because any infection would be deadly for Mark.”
It had been a long six weeks for me, but for a young seven and eight-year old child, it seemed like forever since they’d seen their dad. They were anxious, but I was worried how their young minds would interpret the sight of their dad with all the tubes and equipment which kept him alive. I talked to the social worker about how I could prepare our children for their first visit.
“I can take them on a tour of the hospital first,” he said. “This will get them familiar with the sights, sounds and smells of the hospital. I can also show and tell them about the equipment which is helping their dad right now.”
That night I told the kids they would get a tour of the hospital and be able to see their dad tomorrow. They were excited, even though they knew he was hurt and he wouldn’t be able to talk to them. I talked to them about his special bed and equipment, but nothing could really prepare them for what they’d never seen before.
I’m sure the tour of the hospital helped, but Christopher and Katie were stunned when they walked into the room where their dad lay unconscious. At the first sight of him they stopped in their tracks and with unbelieving, widened eyes looked at him. The surgical masks they were required to wear in his room hid their opened mouths. Afraid to get any closer, they stayed just inside the doorway, speechless.
Katie recalls in her article written on June 17, 2014, Dad Creating Beauty After Tragedy, “My excitement shattered when I walked into his room. The man I once saw smash his finger with a hammer without shedding a tear lay helplessly unconscious. Tubes connected his lifeless body to machines. He was dependent on technology and the care of others. It was my first time seeing him vulnerable. I was scared. I recognized his face, but how could he be my dad? My dad was strong enough to lift me onto his shoulders so I could see parades over large crowds. My dad did sit-ups every night with his toes tucked under the couch as I sat on it and counted his sit-ups aloud. My dad killed spiders for me and read bedtime stories to me. I didn’t want to go near the lifeless body in the hospital bed.”
July 1991, first picture with the kids after the accident.
With all my heart and soul I wanted to make this better for Christopher and Katie. I knew they needed to see him to understand how hurt he really was and why he wasn’t home, but I disparately wanted to protect them from the worry.They were so innocent and I knew they’d be disappointed.
It was a Friday and my turn to stay overnight at the hospital, so my mom took the kids to spend the night at her house. I was constantly torn between Mark and the kids. I wanted and needed to be with each one, but it was impossible. No matter who I was with I was worrying about the other. I could hardly bear that we weren’t together as a family and had sixty miles separating us.
The small Ronald McDonald house which was close by the hospital parking lot became my home away from home. It had two bedrooms, one bath and living room complete with a couch, and reclining chair. The kitchen had a fridge, stove, a few dishes and utensils. In the beginning, I was in the basement of this home, but there was a plumbing issue so I had to move upstairs with the Call family who were from Idaho. Donna and Wayne Call were a little older than my parent’s and they had six kids with their youngest being close to my age. Wayne had a heart attack and after surgery he didn’t regain consciousness and was transferred to McKay Dee Hospital. Donna and I became close, despite our age difference. She was always at the hospital and her kids took turns bringing her needed items and staying overnight with her. I was given one bedroom and the Call family had the other. Each bedroom had a double bed plus a bunk bed in it, but with my broken collarbone I was more comfortable sleeping in the reclining chair. Sometimes my parents stayed there with me and on weeknights my brothers were there. The Call’s also had several family members coming and going and once in awhile it was such a full house they used sleeping bags on the floor in the living room. We got to know each other well over a seven week period of time. The Call’s made me feel part of their family. They would come to Mark’s room late at night to get me and to make sure I made it to the McDonald home safely. They were kind and thoughtful. I appreciated their friendship and we had a lot in common with our loved ones in critical condition. I was grateful for the comfort of this home which became a safe haven from the upset of the hospital. Amongst the turmoil and worrying about Mark as well as missing my own home and family I received the blessing of new friends and resilient children who quickly overcame their fear of seeing their dad.
After the car accident I swore I’d never drive again and with a broken collarbone and totaled car I wasn’t capable of driving for six weeks. Once I was given the go ahead from the doctor I had to face my fear of driving. My parents helped me understand it was a necessity. It took months for me to feel safe behind the wheel again. At every stop sign or signal I had a fear that an unseen vehicle would hit me. How do you overcome your fears? I did a lot of praying, but here are some suggestions I thought of while remembering another fearful time for me.
2001, Christopher jumping for joy in Alaska or possibly trying to kill all the mosquitoes. They were thick in this part of Alaska.
In 2001 I took the kids to Alaska for their high school graduation gift. In my mind it would be our last chance of a family vacation with just the four of us. It was going to be the most expensive trip we’d ever taken and I wanted it to be perfect. A motor home was the most economical way for us to see Alaska. I was afraid of driving a big rig even though I was planning on renting the smallest one available. We had done lots of camping in a trailer or tent, but never a motor home. I didn’t know about the hookups and other mechanical parts of this type of R.V. and wondered how we could get Mark in and out of it. I was also fearful of being in an unfamiliar state while driving a motor home for the first time in my life.
I wanted to take our family on this trip more than I was afraid of it and I spent Christopher’s senior year saving, planning and preparing for this trip.
I built my confidence by thinking positively about it. When a doubt or fear came to mind, I pushed it aside by thinking, sure you can do this. I researched what I was worrying about and worked out my fears in my mind.
I put my positive thinking into action by studying maps and getting a clear idea of where I wanted to go and how I would get there. I studied and studied the maps, which helped me feel comfortable with an area I’d never been in before, building my confidence.
I asked a neighbor and good friend who had a motor home for help. I told Mckay of my trip plans and asked if he would teach me about the care and hookups of a motor home. He even let the kids and I work out how we could get Mark in the motor home. We literally had to carry him up the stairs. Thank heavens for a strong eighteen-year-old son! Mckay also let me drive it around town a bit so I could get the feel of it. This valuable learning experience built my confidence. I appreciated Mckay’s time and effort in helping me feel comfortable with the motor home. He spent a Saturday afternoon with us and it made the trip of a lifetime possible. All went well as I followed those five steps to overcome my fear.
I’d love to hear how you’ve conquered your fears. Please share in the comment box below.
It was worrisome that Mark had been in a coma for so long, yet I was grateful he appeared to be resting peacefully through the emergency health crisis. His world seemed serene compared to mine. If only I could feel the same tranquility he looked like he had. Maybe being in a coma was a blessing in disguise, yet I wanted him to wake up more than anything and did all I could to make it happen.
Six weeks had passed and time to have an x-ray on my collarbone. It had healed well, but I had a floating piece of bone from the break, which felt like a stone in my shoulder area. It was bothersome at times, especially when it was touched, but the doctor reassured me it would disintegrate within five years. He said I was free to go without my sling and brace. As much as I looked forward to that day and suffered wearing the brace because it caused sores on my armpits, I felt like I would fall apart without it. Strangely, it took a few days to feel comfortable with no brace and sling for my arm.
With freedom to move my arm I was capable to drive a vehicle again. However, I needed a car to do that and my confidence in driving was ruined in the car crash. Although I hated to depend on others to get me to the hospital, I had no desire and even stated many times that I would never drive again. This must have worried my folks. They had always taught me, when you get bucked off of a horse, you get right back on and ride again, but this was different, or was it? I wasn’t only bucked off—I felt trampled on.
Mom and Dad’s car was a gray 1979 Caprice Chevrolet. They bought it new and took great care of it and had recently put a new engine in the twelve year old car. I didn’t know they were thinking of getting a new car so I was surprise one day when Dad showed up at the hospital excited for us to see the new car he’d just bought. It was at the end of the day and time to go home so we said our good-byes to Mark and walked outside to see the new car.
“We want you to have the Caprice”, Dad said as we walked outside.
“Thanks, but I really don’t want to drive.”
“I understand, but you have to in order to get where you and the kids will need to go,” Mom said.
As we approached the cars I could see they had been busy spiffing up the old car and getting all their personal belongings transferred into their new one. It was freshly washed and vacuumed.
“I think you should drive home from the hospital today,” Mom said as she handed me the keys.
“Okay,” I said apprehensively, wanting to please them and show my appreciation for their thoughtfulness. Dad took the passenger side of their gray car, while Mom said she’d follow us in the new one. I took the seat behind the wheel for the first time since the accident. Terror ran through my blood at every stop sign and signal, but I tried to stay calm, cool and collected just as my dad was. By the time we reached the freeway, the fear lessened some. I felt awkward—like the first day of drivers ed. It was a long sixty minute drive, but being behind the wheel made it seem like forever. I didn’t say a single word, just concentrated on driving and staying composed. Dad probably gave some instructions and encouraging words, but all I remember is driving in silence. Not even the radio was played to distract me.
Having a car for me to drive made it possible for Mom to be with the kids during the day since they were now out of school. The next morning before pulling out of the driveway I prayed for my safety. It was my first trip to McKay-Dee Hospital alone. By the time I reached the freeway, I was overcome with grief, fear and loneliness. Can I really do this? I had to pull off the freeway and park because I was afraid my tears would cause an accident. Ashamed of myself, I thought, what must the people be thinking as they drive past this car with a lady sobbing in it? You must pull yourself together and get yourself to the hospital now. Mark needs you.
I dried my tears, took a deep breath and accepted that driving was an unwanted necessity. Before getting back on the freeway I asked God to help me overcome my fear of driving and when I arrived at the hospital safely, I thanked Him for His comfort.
The only thing I was sure about in our uncertain circumstances was that I needed to get Mark closer to our home in Sandy, Utah. The hour drive to and from the hospital daily was hard on me and my family. My days turned into looking for the best hospital closer to home. The social worker at McKay-Dee Hospital put me in contact with several representatives from different hospitals which specialized in rehabilitating people with traumatic brain injuries (TBI). After gaining information on what each facility offered, I chose three of the best options. Mom and I went to the facilities to personally meet the staff, see the rooms and the equipment. I chose Western Rehab not only because it was located in Sandy, Utah, but it was clean and had a great reputation for rehabilitation which specialized in TBI and spinal cord injuries. I was excited to get Mark moved and hoping that a rehab center would be more encouraging about Mark’s recovery.
Love this picture and quote. It reminds me of Cassidy Pickering and how each of us are amazing as we overcome with our individual struggles.
Three great examples from Deidre’s story, Cassidy’s Journey With Diabetes.
Nine year old Cassidy with all the things she needs to take care of her diabetes.
1) Know when to let go. As a parent it’s hard to know when to let go, especially when your child has an illness or disability. I loved Deidre’s example of letting her daughter, Cassidy take control of her diabetes at a young age. I asked Deidre if she encouraged Cassidy and this is what she said. “Cassidy, miss independent, wanted to learn how to change her pump. It was all her idea. I was very nervous at first and it took a few weeks for her to convince me to let her try. I find myself having a hard time not having complete control over her diabetes at all times. It is part of being a hover mom. All parents want their children to be safe but I am sure I take it too far with Cassidy. Well I guess not too far because I do let her out of my sight and let her live her life, so I could be a lot worse. It amazes me how responsible Cassidy is and how fast she learns things. She loves that she knows how to change her pump. It gives her some of the control back into her life, since she is living with diabetes she is going to make the best out of it. Learning how to take care of herself helps her deal with the everyday challenges.”
2) Find a support group. Deidre mention the LDS T1D parents group. I asked her about it and she said, “It’s a parents group I found on Facebook. It is a safe place to ask questions about type one diabetes and to share information you find to help others. It is also a good place to unwind because you know the parents there will understand what you are going through. It helps me remember that I am not the only parent who has a child living with diabetes. I would never have found out about the Genteel without this group.” We all need support and it is especially helpful when it comes from those who travel our same pathway.
3) Research ideas, tools and medication that can improve the quality of life. Another great example of this comes from Deidre, she said, “The Salter Scale has helped me out so much. I didn’t find out about it until a few months after Cassidy was diagnosed. I really wished someone had told me about it at the hospital. Learning how to carb count was very stressful. The scale I use is called the Salter Nutri-Weigh dietary computer scale 1450. It displays 11 nutritional values of your food. It took the guessing game away. If Cassidy wanted a banana I could throw it on the scale and it would let me know how many carbs were in that size banana. Even something as taking crust off of bread was stressful before the scale. I was worried how many carbs I was taking away from that slice of bread. With the scale I didn’t need to worry, if I took too much crust off, the scale would let me know how many carbs were in that slice. The scale was worth every penny and I took the scale with me everywhere I went till I got the hang of carb counting. I will take the scale out now to test myself. I want to make sure my portion sizes remain the same so it is good to test yourself every once in a while to make sure your one cup is still really one cup.”
Cassidy with her Genteel
I asked Deidre about the Genteel and Cassidy showed me how it remarkably works. This is what it says on the box. “Genteel’s exclusive customize contact tips reliably draw blood from a lance site so shallow it does not reach pain nerves. At the instant of activation, genteel vibrates the skin over the lance site, and uses a process so fast, nerves have no time to respond or process the sensation of pain. Blood is drawn in as little as 2-8 seconds without having to squeeze the lance site.” Sounds wonderful and Cassidy say’s it doesn’t hurt!
What helpful tips do you have which make your life better and easier?
Written by, Deidre Pickering
Cassidy, 9 years old
Since writing Cassidy’s Story, June 1, 2014, she has grown so much. She is determined to learn all about diabetes and how to take care of herself. Diagnosed at age four with Type 1 diabetes, Cassidy started poking her own finger to do her blood testing at age six, which was a big jump in taking care of herself at such a young age. She has also learned how to change her own pump site by drawing insulin out of a vile, filling her pump with the correct amount of insulin, preparing a new site and removing the old pump. I love that she is now able to do this. It gives both of us more freedom so I don’t need to be the “hover” mom I tend to be.
Recently Cassidy was out with her grandpa at dinner, without me, when her pump failed. She called me, letting me know that her pump was not working and that grandpa wanted to bring her right home even though they had just ordered and had not received their food. He was so worried since he didn’t know how to change her pump. She handed the phone to her grandpa and I told him she could change it herself. He was nervous, a nine year old could not handle that much responsibility. I told him to give her a chance and let her try. A little later he called back and said, “She was able to change her pump right at the table with confidence and no help. It was amazing!”
Cassidy has also learned a lot about carbohydrate counting. Once a year she has a meeting with a diabetes educator who will help teach Cassidy and let her ask questions. The educator will test Cassidy with a picture of a meal to see if she can correctly count the carbohydrates. At her most recent meeting Cassidy was able to calculate the correct total for a sample meal. The educator was surprised and told us Cassidy was the first one to get the exact total.
Cassidy sees her diabetes doctor every four months for a checkup and to have her A1C level check. This test gives you a picture of your average blood glucose (blood sugar) control for the past three months. The results give us a good idea of how well her diabetes treatment plan is working. In some ways, the A1C test is like a baseball player’s season batting average; it tells you about a person’s overall success. Neither a single day’s blood test results nor a single game’s batting record gives the same big picture. This last checkup was great and we were able to get Cassidy’s A1C to the correct level. As a mom, I was so happy with the result because it lets me know that I am taking care of her the right way. The A1C test is a roller coaster, so every time I go in I have my fingers crossed the amount of insulin she is given is correct and that we have been giving her the right ratio of carbs to insulin. I told Cassidy being a “mean” mom has been paying off.
Not only do we need to get the right ratio with carbs to insulin, but we need to time her doses correctly too. She needs to wait at least 10 minutes before eating if her blood sugar is in the one hundred range and 20 minutes if her blood sugar is in the two hundred range. Waiting to eat is hard on Cassidy. It takes planning every meal and snack so we can test and start her insulin before eating. She can never just go get a snack at a moment’s notice.
Cassidy’s fingers are always sore. Recently we were able to find a way to help her avoid some of the pain from poking her fingers to test her blood sugar levels. On Facebook, we are members of the LDS T1D parent’s group. Through this group we were able to find a new lancing instrument for testing her blood. It is called Genteel and it delivers a painless blood draw. I was not sure if it would actually work or not, but Cassidy’s aunt Michelle bought it for her and now Cassidy uses it for every blood sugar test. Cassidy says it is not 100% pain free, but it is much better than what we had been using.
I love that there have been many improvements for managing diabetes over the years and I still have hope that one day they will be able to find a cure. Life is better since the first year she was diagnosed with diabetes and I know it will only get better. I am so proud of Cassidy and her drive to be the healthiest diabetic she can be. She doesn’t let diabetes hold her back. She loves being active and playing on a junior jazz basketball team. She is still the strongest person I know and she is such an example to me.
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Thank you, Deidre for sharing Cassidy’s journey with us. She is such a brave, happy and smart girl. You’re a lucky and wonderful mom!
Uniting Caregivers 