All Is Well

Mark had a hip replacement surgery yesterday. This decision of whether to have the surgery or not has been weighing heavily on our minds since January. Over the past several months he has had many test to help us decide if he was a good candidate for the surgery. The surgeon was not sure and was worried that he might break a bone in the surgery due to his osteoporosis. After Mark’s bone scan he asked the doctor if he was “dense enough.” We had a good laugh at Mark’s humor and then he told us he was a high risk for a break. We decided to take the risk and it has felt like a huge elephant ride waiting for the surgery date. On day it’s on and the next day we’re swayed to the other side and maybe it’s off.  We were happy to finally slide down the elephants trunk and get off of that ride.

All went well and the surgeon is so pleased and is as relieved as we are. Now we face three days in the hospital and at least three weeks in rehab where the hard and painful work will begin. Unfortunately, Mark will have to do this again in October for the left hip to get full benefit. Mark jokes that he’s a basket case—because he has a basket full of complicated health issues. I love this man and his humor. He has the ability to make me laugh even, or most importantly, under stressful times. I feel so fortunate to have him in my life!

Just what I needed to remember today.

Forging New Frontiers

We can learn from pioneers’ examples as they made their way into unknown territory. In July, Utah honors pioneers not only for their difficult trek here, but for their hard work and devotion to establish a new way of life, which opened up many possibilities for all who live here. We appreciate what they built, shaped and created in this beautiful state.

As we are innovators and developers of our own lives, we are like the pioneers of the past. Circumstances often force us to break new ground, hopefully leading the way to a better life. Sometimes we’re unprepared to meet our challenges, but as we initiate faith and courage we discover new frontiers. In this sense, we are modern-day pioneers forming and constructing, with anticipation, something good from a hard or bad situation.

When I reflect on how the pioneers made their trek west, I see wisdom and foresight in their method. I’ve listed five of their practices that could benefit our own journey.

Pioneer Trek Reinactment

1) Gather in groups. The pioneers organized themselves in companies and leaders were assigned to each group. They rallied around each other, helping one another. They needed and depended on each other for survival. They mourned and rejoiced together. It’s hard to imagine a pioneer making the trek on their own. Likewise, I can’t imagine making my journey without the advice, love and support of others. Just as the pioneers circled their wagons for protection at night, we should encircle ourselves by embracing those around us who are willing and wanting to help.

2) Consider advice from a scout or forerunner. Usually, a couple of men rode on horses ahead of the group to explore the best possible route and to help prepare for obstacles that might be in their way. I think of doctors, nurses, therapists and other caregivers who have knowledge or experiences similar to mine as mentors, guides and/or pathfinders. Their advice is valuable when navigating on foreign ground.

3) Allow for respite time. The pioneers walked or rode many miles every day except on Sunday for months. Logically, if they would have traveled on Sunday they may have reached their destination sooner, but they revered the Sabbath Day. I see the wisdom in taking time to rest from our everyday routine, yet it can be hard sometimes to stop and take a break because our eyes are set on the goal and we don’t feel like we have the time to stop. Whether we realize it’s needed or not, we feel refreshed and renewed after respite.

4) Develop courage, faith and hope. I think pioneers had to have these three traits, but did they always have them? Reason tells me no. They were regular human beings, just like you and I, with hardships. I feel fortunate that my difficulties are not like theirs and I appreciate their example of perseverance. I’m encouraged by their dedication as they worked daily developing courage, faith and hope. Hopefully some days were easier than others, when these traits came more naturally.Their endurance developed them into the strong pioneers they were. Likewise we become stronger as we develop courage, faith and hope on the days when it doesn’t come naturally.

5) Your best is good enough. The handcart plan was for seventeen miles a day for sixty days, but none of the ten companies could reach that goal. They must have felt despair and frustration from the slow journey of seven to fifteen miles on a good day, making the trip tedious and wearisome. Giving their best was good enough, so it must be the same for us. It may take longer and be harder than we expected, but if we are persistent in doing and/or giving our best, it will be good enough.

Pioneer Trek Reenactment

The pioneers didn’t know how or when their journey would end. Similarly, we don’t know how or when ours will either, but if we follow their example, we can also forge new frontiers.

What have you learned from the pioneers’ examples?

Modern-Day Pioneers

July is fantastic in Utah, full of outdoor activities and celebrations that last all month-long. It’s my favorite time of year and I always look forward to all the festivities. The sun rises early, which makes it easier for me to do also. The weather is usually sunny and the daylight lasts until 9 pm, making this month the one I can accomplish the most outside. After a wonderful Independence Day celebration of carnivals rides, energetic music, food trailers and beautiful fireworks, our state gets ready for Pioneer Day.

Image credit: http://www.daysof47.com/events/days-of-47-parade

There are parades, rodeos, pioneer reenactments, outdoor concerts and/or movies at the city parks and contests of all kinds put together by many cities and communities throughout the state all month-long. All these festivities are gearing up for an even bigger state celebration. The best contestants of the cities qualify for the state and we all come together every year on July 24^th for a massive parade containing school marching bands, police academy on motorcycles and marching military soldiers often with their tanks. Community groups, businesses and churches design and build colorful floats for the parade. Gorgeous horses prance down the street, while others are pulling restored wagons. City officials and beauty queens are on floats or riding in convertibles. There are always funny clowns to please the thousands of people who line the two-mile parade route. Many families camp on the street the night before to ensure the perfect spot for viewing the parade. It’s a big deal here in Utah and fills the month with entertainment. Why do we do this?

Image credit: maidensmission.zionvision.com

In 1847, Brigham Young and a group of Mormon pioneers arrived in the Salt Lake Valley on July 24^th. When Brigham first saw the valley, he declared, “This is the right place.” After pulling handcarts or driving wagons with oxen or horses across the plains more than a thousand miles, the pioneers were happy to settle the desert landscape now known as Utah. We celebrate in honor of their hard work and the sacrifices made to till, cultivate and make this new frontier into the beautiful state that it is. Their trek exemplifies courage, faith and foresight and their stories inspire me as they are retold.

They endured harsh weather, death of loved ones and starvation as their food and water supply diminished.  Nothing had prepared the majority of these travelers for the exhaustion and illnesses they would suffer. They were beginners, in a new territory, learning a new way of life.

I see similarities between my caregiving trek and my pioneer ancestors who walked approximately 1,248 miles from Nauvoo, Illinois. Although we have the comfort of a home with plenty of food and water, nothing had prepared me for the anxiety and exhaustion of caring for another or the many illnesses that would arise. I’m a beginner, in a new territory, learning a new way of life that most people do not understand. I am a modern-day pioneer and so are you.

Gratefully, I haven’t seen wolf-pawed graves of the dead or the putrefying carcasses of mules and oxen on my journey. However, worry and heartache has come from the pain and suffering I’ve seen in hospitals and rehab centers. Only faith for improvement keeps one enduring through such difficult times.

Splintered wrecks of discarded carts or wagons have thankfully been absent on my journey, but I have worried about individuals whose family and friends have abandoned them in their illness. It saddens me and makes me wonder what happened to drive their loved ones away. Was it the ailment itself or the attitude of the afflicted person—either way, it’s troublesome.

The pioneers traveled in groups or companies. They rallied around each other, helping one another in their journey. They needed and depended on each other for survival. There are many stories written of selfless, helpful acts that saved another’s life. They mourned and rejoiced together. Likewise, I appreciate the help and support I get in my journey from friends, family, church and support groups. In return, I strive to give back the same to those around me.

The handcart plan was for seventeen miles a day for sixty days, but none of the ten companies could reach that goal. Despair and frustration must have come from the slow journey of seven to fifteen miles on a good day, making the trip tedious and wearisome. Today we can make the drive from Nauvoo to Salt Lake City comfortably in an air-conditioned or heated car in nineteen and a half hours. However, we know the disappointment which comes from unachieved goals and have felt the discouragement from slow progress, along with the worry that comes from an uncertain destination.

The pioneers didn’t know how or when their journey would end. Similarly, we don’t know how or when ours will end either, but like our ancestors, we can carry on with faith in every footstep and hope in a brighter future.

We modern-day pioneers celebrate small victories just as the cities in Utah party a few weeks before the state’s grand celebration. Some of us modern-day pioneers are still waiting for the grand celebration with trust that it will come. If not in this life, a belief that we and our loved ones will be blessed beyond the grave, free from the harsh physical ailments. With confidence, I believe this celebration will be far grander than I’ve ever witnessed and possibly can even imagine.

Expressions of Love

I’ve enjoyed leaning about the language of love and appreciate Katie sharing her tips on it. It’s given me a lot to think about:

How do you like to express your love?

What language of love means the most to you?

My order is usually: Acts of Service, Words of Affirmation, Quality Time, Physical Touch, Receiving Gifts.

However, as I think of important people in my life and their love language, my order sometimes changes. I also wonder if Acts of Service would be most important to me if my situation was different.  There’s much to think about when learning the languages of love. I find it thought-provoking and interesting. I need to read the book.

What are your thoughts? Have you read the book, The 5 Love Languages, by Gary Chapman?

This may be a great family and/or partner discussion.

Learning the Languages of Love

Written by, Katie Wilson Ferguson

The most life-changing book I’ve read is “The 5 Love Languages” by Gary Chapman. In less than 200 pages, Chapman taught me how to better understand every relationship I’ve had. While the original book is targeted to married couples, the information has also helped me in my relationships with family, friends, clients and business associates.

In short, we usually show kindness in our own love language. Those expressions might not be fully understood if the recipient doesn’t share the same love language. The two biggest points the book taught me are:

1. My love and care for another individual is better understood when I express it in his or her love language rather than my own.
2. I better recognize others’ love and care for me as I remember they are expressing themselves in their own love language rather than mine.

In my last article, A Village of Support, I shared how family and friends showed support to my family after my mom had surgery and while I was taking care of my dad. These kind loved-ones were probably expressing their concern for us in their own love languages.

The 5 Love Languages taught throughout the book are:

Words of Affirmation

Loved ones sent my mom cards with encouraging, thoughtful messages. My parents showered me with gratitude by thanking me and complimenting me several times a day.

Quality Time

Some friends showed they cared with a personal visit or phone call.

Receiving Gifts

My maternal grandma and other family and friends sent my mom flowers. My paternal grandma sent a box of homemade cookies.

Acts of Service

Friends and family showed us love by bringing dinners. I showed my love by caring for my parents and doing some housework.

Physical Touch

Some great examples of this love language are backrubs, snuggles, kisses and holding hands. This isn’t just applicable to romantic relationships. 

I have two love languages: Acts of Service and Quality Time. I appreciate compliments, gifts are nice, hugs feel good, but nothing says I’m loved more than these two questions: “How can I help you?” and “Want to go to lunch on Saturday?” Likewise, nothing frustrates and hurts me like an unfulfilled promise or last-minute broken commitment.

We express all the love languages at different times and often express multiple love languages on one occasion (for example, visiting a friend and taking a gift). However, some love languages feel more natural than others, so those are the ones we use most frequently.

What is your love language?

To learn more about The 5 Love Languages and to discover your own love language, visit: http://www.5lovelanguages.com

A Village of Support

Written by, Katie Wilson Ferguson

Last Sunday, I shared how I prepared to care for my dad for six weeks so my mom could recover from surgery, but I wasn’t the only one who prepared for the occasion.

My mom arranged for my stay by setting up a bedroom for me on the west side of their house. She cleaned out another room nearby for my home office. I had the closest bathroom all to myself. I liked telling people I occupied the West Wing. My mom wanted me to be comfortable, and I’m most comfortable when I have my own space.

Before the surgery, my mom’s friend and neighbor Michelle offered to bring food and find other neighbors to bring meals while my mom recovered. Not wanting to be a burden, my mom declined. Michelle texted me with the same offer, and I happily accepted. We had dinner brought in by friends and family for eight nights and many of those meals gave us leftovers for the following lunch. This helped alleviate stress as I adjusted to my new responsibilities. Michelle often checked in with me after my mom’s surgery knowing I would be more likely to accept help if we needed it.

My mom’s surgery was scheduled on a Tuesday morning. I moved in the Sunday before so I could set up my office and be ready for work on Monday, plus shadow my mom for a day before caring for my dad without her help. Although I’d seen her care for him since I was seven years old, it was the first time I watched with the intent of doing it myself.

My Aunt Dianne drove my mom to and from the hospital while I stayed home with my dad. The surgery was successful, but she was miserable with nausea for the first 24 hours. My Uncle Steve came to visit and decided to stay overnight so he could take care of her while I took care of my dad. Just as a harness once secured me to a zip line so I couldn’t fall, my uncle was my harness that night.

I woke up the day after my mom’s surgery feeling more overwhelmed than I had expected. My husband wasn’t there hitting his snooze button. My energetic Jack Russell Terrier wasn’t there sniffing my face to make sure I was alive. She wasn’t there for me to take on a morning walk. I knew my dad was down the hall waiting for me to get him dressed, out of bed and fed.

For the first time in my life, I felt the weight of knowing another person was relying on my care. It didn’t feel like a burden. It felt like going into a job interview. I wanted to be there, but I was nervous I might not be good enough to fill the position and do a good job.

2015, Katie transferring Mark

I got my dad dressed, up and fed. My Uncle Steve checked in on us before leaving for the day. “Did your dad get his pills?”

I slapped my forehead. “No! I forgot! I woke up this morning and realized why I’ve been so nervous to take care of my dad. I’ve never had someone depend on me to get them out of bed or to feed them or make sure they’ve had their pills. I’ve been so worried I’d forget about my dad’s pills. I can’t believe I forgot on the first day.”

“Hey, it’s okay. Take it easy on yourself. You don’t have to be perfect.” Uncle Steve always has a knack for knowing how to make me feel at ease.

Because my dad has a poor short-term memory, he is no longer capable of taking his own medicine correctly. Years ago, he got confused on the day of the week, thinking it was Friday when it was actually Thursday. He saw he had pills left in his box so he took a double dose of everything that day. The overdose caused a two-day hospital stay. Overdoses are dangerous, but so are missed doses. One missed dose increases his likelihood of seizures and blood clotting.

My parents and I felt an outpouring of love for the next several weeks. Family and friends checked in with phone calls, text messages and personal visits. Some loved ones sent my mom cards, flowers and gifts. Not only were people asking my mom how she felt, but they were also asking me how they could help. I’ve heard the saying “It takes a village to raise a child.” I think it takes a village to conquer many of life’s challenges – including caregiving. My parents and I are blessed with a strong village of support.

My full-time caregiving adventure didn’t always go smoothly, but we had a lot more successes than failures. My mom understood when I forgot to give my dad his pills. My dad forgave me when I sat him on the armrest of his wheelchair instead of the seat. My dad’s response to every apology was “no prob.” I heard that response a lot.

My dad’s patience amazes me. I almost dropped him several times while transferring him in or out of his wheelchair. I’d stand him up and start to feel his knees bend and his waist drop before I was ready to sit him down. “Stand up! Stand up!” I yelled in frustration. I hurt him a few times (without causing serious injury). He never lost his patience with me.

My dad is a pleasure to serve because he’s one of the most appreciative people I know. There were days I got tired of saying “You’re welcome.” Then I’d remember it was a blessing to help someone who acknowledged every good deed.

2015, Eldin and Lizzy

I’d like to follow my dad’s example of appreciation by thanking my village of support. Without the help I received, taking the plunge of accepting caregiving responsibilities would have been even scarier.

It’s been six weeks since I moved back into my own home. I hear my husband’s alarm clock every morning again. I start each day walking my dog. I went back to my usual routine without missing a beat, but with a deeper understanding.

So, here’s to all you caregivers: You wake each morning knowing someone else depends on you. Who knows how many mornings you’ve had to drag yourself out of bed after a long night of helping your loved one or cleaning up midnight mishaps? Who knows how many times you’ve felt at the end of your rope? Yet you choose to hang on for the person you love.

And here’s to those of you who rely on the care of others. You have to wait for others to assist you day after day. You’ve endured extensive testing and rehabilitation. You’ve been deprived of abilities others take for granted. Perhaps you endure hardships few people understand and maybe it’s difficult to express how those hardships affect you. Perhaps you endure physical and emotional pain no one can heal – yet.

Caregivers and care recipients alike have spent endless hours waiting at doctors’ offices. Together, they’ve experienced unfamiliar territory and anticipated the unknown. Their relationships have been challenged beyond arguments of whose turn it is to wash the dishes and where the toothpaste tube should be squeezed.

You caregivers and care recipients have been given a weight few people have the strength to lift. Thank you for lifting that weight and carrying on. I learn from your examples and admire your strength. I believe you add an exceptional level of beauty to the world. I hope you feel you have a village of support. I appreciate my mom for increasing a village of support through the worldwide endeavors of this blog.

Thank you Katie for your insights and words. I appreciate you sharing your experience and grateful for your help. Thank you Eldin as well. You were a marvelous help when Katie wasn’t able to be here and a great support while she was here. What a wonderful addition you are to our family. We also enjoyed Lizzy and the great cleanup job she did after every meal. I enjoyed watching her wait patiently by Mark’s chair for the food to drop.

Fear is Natural

Fear doesn’t feel good, but I do believe it’s natural and means we’re growing. Katie Ferguson did the graphic design for this quote to go along with her Feel the Fear and Do it Anyway story and Power in the Positive tip.

Power in the Positive

Written by, Katie Wilson Ferguson

I’ve read several self-help books and attended many workshops and seminars. The most beneficial thing I learned is how to cope with fear and consequently build my confidence. I also learned helpful goal-setting techniques. In my opinion, overcoming fear and setting goals go hand in hand since fear has often stopped me from accomplishing tasks in the past. As Robert Allen said, “Everything you want is just outside your comfort zone.”

In my last article, Feel the Fear and Do It Anyway, I discussed how I overcame some fears by writing about the outcomes I wanted. I used the same principles I use when setting goals. Here are five of my favorite techniques:

1. Only set goals you truly desire.

Don’t worry about what others want you to accomplish. Limit your goals to what will bring you true happiness.

2. Write your goals down.

It’s been proven time and again that people are more likely to accomplish goals they put in writing. Goals should be written in present tense so they don’t become a thing of the distant future.

3. Focus on the positive outcome.

This is my favorite technique and I believe it’s the most important. Focus on what you want rather than what you don’t want. Our minds think in pictures. If I tell you to not think of a purple pony, what do you picture? A purple pony.

I’d rather focus on the goal of a toned waistline than the goal of eliminating belly flab. Those two goals have similar meaning, but one brings a more motivating picture to mind. The more we focus on what we want rather than what we’re trying to avoid, the more powerful the goal becomes.

In my last article, I mentioned I wrote my fears down. But I quieted those fears by writing about the positive outcomes I wanted. I wrote “I am able to transfer (my dad) safely and with confidence” rather than “I don’t drop and injure my dad.”

4. Attach emotions to the goals.

Emotions add fuel to our goals. Attaining a toned waistline becomes more exciting when you add: “I feel fit, energetic and comfortable in all my clothing with my toned waistline.”

5. Reward yourself.

Achieving goals becomes a fun and motivating experience when we track our success and reward ourselves. We, of course, need to review our goals often so we can track our progress.

Feel the Fear and Do It Anyway

In May, my daughter, Katie had her hands full as she cared for me and her dad. I’m thrilled she accepted to be today’s guest author. 

Written by, Katie Wilson Ferguson

2015, Katie on the zip line at Park City, UT

My recent caregiving experience reminded me of a chilly afternoon on March 1, 2015 when I stood on top of a 65-foot high tower in Park City, Utah. The mountain air smelled fresh. Some of the snow from the previous day’s storm was melting. The view was gorgeous.

With my helmet on, I was strapped into a harness clipped onto a 377-foot long rope. Just one step off the platform and I’d be zip lining above the treetops to the second tower.

What if the rope breaks? I thought to myself. What if my harness comes undone?

Feel the fear and do it anyway, I told myself as I stepped off the platform. I gasped and held my breath until I felt the rope catch my harness. I looked down to enjoy the mountain scenery as I glided above the pine trees.

I made it to the second tower where a young man greeted me. “How was it?”

“It was scary!” I replied, knowing the scariest part was about to come. The only way down from the second tower was to step off the platform for a 65-foot vertical drop.

“Just walk off the platform. Don’t run or jump off. If you’re scared, don’t look down,” he said as he fastened my harness to another rope. The rope went straight to the ground where another employee and my husband were waiting for me.

Feel the fear and do it anyway, I reminded myself. I walked off the platform before I could talk myself out of taking the plunge. I heard screaming, then realized the racket was coming from my own mouth.

2015, Katie plunging from the drop tower, Park City, UT

I didn’t stop screaming until I made it to the ground safely. I was shaking from fear, excitement and the pride I felt from conquering my fear. I smiled at my husband. “Did you hear me screaming? I wanna do that again!”

“Feel the fear and do it anyway,” is a saying I picked up at a personal development seminar several years ago. It’s also the title of a personal development book by Susan Jeffers, which I haven’t read yet. The statement reminds me it’s okay to feel scared, but it’s important to accomplish what I set out to do before I talk myself out of it. I’ve learned my confidence grows when I achieve goals that scare me. As I prove to myself I can accomplish an intimidating task, my comfort zone expands and I feel it’s possible to do even greater things.

A of couple months after my zip lining adventure, I moved in with my parents for five weeks to take care of my dad while my mom recovered from hernia surgery. Because I’m a self-employed graphic designer, I had the ability to pack up my home office to work and live at my parents’ house. My husband and I decided it would be best for him to continue living at home with our dog during weekdays and they would stay with me at my parents’ house on the weekends. Shortly after making the commitment, my mind became consumed with fears.

How will I stay on top of my work while caring for my dad? What if the experience creates friction in my marriage? What if it causes contention between my parents and me? My biggest worry was—What if I drop my dad while transferring him into his wheelchair or bed?

Dropping my dad might seem like an unusual fear, but I felt it was well justified. In October of 2011, my dad fell off the side of his bed twisting his ankle, which resulted in a bad sprain and torn ligaments. My mom usually stands my dad up when she transfers him, but he couldn’t put weight on his injured ankle. It was difficult for my mom to take care of him, so I stayed with my parents a few days after the injury to help my mom.

My dad is already prone to seizures, but his susceptibility heightens when anything else goes wrong in his body. Even when he catches a common cold he has more seizures. My dad had to endure the pain of his sprained ankle in 2011 and the additional seizures.

I knew if I dropped and injured my dad it could cause him pain, which could cause him to have more seizures. I was worried I wouldn’t be able to care for him on my own.

Those fears and dozens more were buzzing around my head for days following the commitment I made to take care of my dad. I decided to hush my fears by typing them out as they popped into mind. The worries spewed out of my head, through my fingertips and onto my computer screen. I reversed my list of fears by writing a story about the outcomes I wanted. I turned my worry of dropping my dad into statements like: “I am able to transfer him safely and with confidence. I take excellent care of my dad.” I re-worded my concerns of feeling contention with my husband and parents into, “My parents, husband and I communicate effectively…so there can be peace in our homes and lives.”

Being a spiritual and prayerful person, I took what I wrote and prayed for God to help me be successful.

A couple days before my mom’s surgery, my husband and I went to my parents’ house to learn how to transfer my dad in and out of bed and to discuss his daily and weekly schedules of care. I helped my mom dress him many times while I was growing up. As children, my brother and I helped get my dad into our family car before we got a van with a wheelchair lift. I’d seen my mom transfer him hundreds of times. Because my dad is tall and stiff, I never wanted to transfer him by myself. My mom is stronger than the average woman and I didn’t think I had the physical strength to transfer him on my own.

My mom gave my husband and I some pointers on how to successfully transfer him and then asked who wanted to practice first. Eager to get it over with, I volunteered. My dad leaned forward in his chair. I faced him, squatting to keep my back straight. I put my forearms under his armpits and my palms on his shoulder blades. His hands were on his armrests so he could push up. Feel the fear and do it anyway, I thought.

“Okay Dad, ready? One, two, three.” I pulled my dad up as he pushed off his wheelchair to stand up. He and I pivoted his body so I could sit him on the side of his bed. We did it! I conquered the fear before I could talk myself out of it. My comfort zone expanded and I had more confidence to move into my parents’ house and put our plan in motion.

Katie, I love you and this analogy, but you obviously didn’t get your sense of adventure from me. Just looking at the pictures makes me gasp. I’m glad that’s crossed off your bucket list and hope you don’t do it again. However,I appreciate your ability to overcome fear, especially the one of transferring and taking care of your dad. I enjoyed reading your point of view and imagine most caregivers at first feel the fear of that plunge and do it anyway. I can’t wait to hear the rest of the story next week!

Give Your Best

What a great reminder. It’s hard to live without regrets, I have a few, but I try not to get hung up on them. The past is gone and some days I’m grateful for a new show—a chance to start over. Since there’s no repeat or rewind, learn from mistakes. Appreciate the good in each day because there’s no guarantee what tomorrow will bring. Keep in mind to give your best in all worthy acts because today the show must go on.