True Colors

As a parent or any other caring person, it’s heartbreaking to see children or people with handicaps struggle to be accepted. I have always loved the song True Colors, but when I saw this video I fell more in love with the message. Life has enough challenges without the sadness of rejection. Treating everyone with love and respect is the answer. I hope you’ll share the video with your kids.

MattyBRaps ft Olivia Kay

By Cyndi Lauper

You with the sad eyes
Don’t be discouraged
Oh I realize
Its hard to take courage
In a world full of people
You can lose sight of it all
And the darkness inside you
Can make you feel so small

But I see your true colors
Shining through
I see your true colors
And that’s why I love you
So don’t be afraid to let them show
Your true colors
True colors are beautiful
Like a rainbow

Show me a smile then
Don’t be unhappy, can’t remember
When I last saw you laughing
If this world makes you crazy
And you’ve taken all you can bear
You call me up
Because you know I’ll be there

And I’ll see your true colors
Shining through
I see your true colors
And that’s why I love you
So don’t be afraid to let them show
Your true colors
True colors are beautiful
Like a rainbow

Giving Thanks

It’s that time of year when we are focused on giving thanks, yet every day should be a day of thanksgiving. But it’s hard to give thanks in all things. I haven’t thought of giving thanks for a car accident which caused my husband to be comatose for three months and hospitalized for rehabilitation for another six months. I’ve not said I was grateful for thirteen surgeries and years of therapy he’s had to have due to his traumatic brain injury. I’ve never thought I was thankful for an accident that caused him to lose his ability to work as a master electrician, seemingly wasting four years of apprenticeship schooling plus two years of journeyman experience and testing before earning his master’s license. It’s difficult not to envy people who can travel and do other fun activities as they please, while it’s problematic for us to visit the neighbor next door or a friend’s home due to stairs and a wheelchair that doesn’t climb them on its own. Life is complicated and unsettling when you live with seizures and have the worry of blood clots due to the inability to move freely. The list of concerns and complaints could go on, but I’ll spare you more grief.

When I think about what we have missed out on and the unfulfilled expectations of life, I’m unhappy. I realize I need to change my focus and count my blessings. I should not compare my life to another—just my own. How far we have come and what blessings we have gained while overcoming our struggles. I am happiest when I recognize and appreciate what I have.

I am thankful for life and realize every day is a bonus day and must not be taken for granted. I appreciate the education of doctors, nurses and therapists who have developed the skills to help heal and improve our health issues. I’m grateful for the hard work and progress Mark has made through surgeries and years of therapy, which has enhanced our quality of life.

Because it’s challenging to travel, we find fulfillment in simple things such as gardening, canning, reading, writing, playing games, listening to music, putting together puzzles and other activities at home. I’m grateful for our comfortable, wheelchair accessible home, which always gives me something to fix up or improve and the space I need to be able to work at home. I appreciate my employment in property management which enables me to pay for all the necessary things in life. I am fortunate to have wonderful bosses and friends such as Steve and Rick. I appreciate all they do for me on in our business as well as my personal life. I am also blessed to live with Mom and Dad. I am grateful for their continued love and support and I’m thankful we can help each other in all things by living together.

I appreciate my children, siblings, nieces, nephews, cousins, aunts and uncles, who I know I can count on for help at anytime or in any situation. They are the foundation for everything we accomplish along with the love and support of neighbors and friends. Many people volunteer their precious time to help us.

With the loss of some abilities we have gained others. I am grateful for every course in life, good or bad, which gives us knowledge that can never be taken away or become useless. Our self-confidence improves as we realize we can overcome grueling circumstances. Our compassion towards others has grown, along with the ability to understand their needs and our desire to help has intensified. We no longer take for granted the human adaptability and the drive to conquer challenges. We are inspired by people’s good will and how they strive to do their best. It gives us hope and the desire to do likewise.

We are blessed by many people—family, friends and neighbors who give service, love and support to us. Our need to give back is the driving force for writing our story and developing Uniting Caregivers. This recent passion has brought new friendships through writing and caregiver’s support groups, along with readers and participators of this blog. I have learned so much and have gained from their experiences. I am grateful for the influence of other writers and their encouragement in my own writing endeavors. I appreciate my sister-in-law, Dianne, who edits nearly every article before I publish it to make sure I’ve punctuated correctly and that my writing makes sense.

If you are reading this, I am grateful for you! I appreciate your feedback, whether it’s done with words or the click on the Like button. In just over a year, Uniting Caregivers has had several exceptional guest authors participate and nearly 16,000 views. I hope what is written has helped you find hope and encouragement in your trials. I have truly been blessed in my life’s journey and writing about our experiences manifests those blessings to me. So I must say—if I’m grateful for everything I’ve listed above, I need to be grateful for a terrifying car accident which switched our life’s track dramatically and helped me understand all that I’ve written and hopefully has changed me for the better!

Every day should be a day of thanksgiving. When I focus on my blessings I am happier and life is easier. Being grateful makes what I have more than enough.

Caregiving Tips from Ann McDougall

What became obvious to me as I read and edited Ann’s story last Sunday was how caregivers need other caregivers to be capable of doing what needs to be done. Her viewpoint wasn’t as a caregiver, but one that was receiving the care. However, she is a mother and all parents are caregivers. I learned from Ann’s story how important others were to enable her to give the care needed for her baby’s development and the care of her three year old son, Liam. I relate to that in my own caregiving journey. It’s clear to me I can’t do it alone. I don’t know anyone who can. Sometimes we may feel alone, but I hope that feeling doesn’t last.  Ann’s experience with being on bed rest for twenty-eight weeks taught her what was important to a person on the receiving end of caregiving. The following five tips were shared and written by Ann McDougall:

• Be proactive. It was appreciated when others would ask what is needed and then follow through. With some people I was comfortable saying exactly what I needed and with others I wasn’t. I have a close friend who asked what she could do for me besides come visit and I asked her to pick up some specific snacks for me. I wouldn’t tell just anybody that. I had other friends who brought me crafts to do to keep me busy. All the supplies were ready so I could easily do it in bed.
• If you say you are going to visit, visit. They are so important to someone who can’t get out. I felt isolated and lonely and really looked forward to the visits. I have a grandma who went blind in her old age. She was homebound and had to rely on caregivers. I know my grandma felt a lot of loneliness and thrived on visits. I have more empathy and compassion for people, especially the elderly, who are home alone all day and not able to do everything for themselves like they used to. Calls, texts, and Facebook messages were a good alternative to visits and were also appreciated.
• Pick one doctor to be the primary doctor and stick with his/her opinion. When I was in the hospital, I saw a team of doctors who worked in the same specialty area. I also saw student doctors working under those doctors. Each one had a slightly different opinion and approach to my care. Before I was admitted, I had already picked one doctor to be my primary doctor so I was able to refer back to his opinion.
• Remember the children. My mom brought toys to the hospital for Liam. It gave him something to do while he was there and those toys stayed at the hospital so they weren’t the same toys at home. He looked forward to those special toys and it helped make the boring, small hospital room a bit more inviting. Another visitor brought a children’s story book just for him that also stayed in my room. He loved it and still does.
• Consistent child care is important, especially for young children. Liam struggled when I was on bed rest at home because I wasn’t able to get up and do things for him or play with him and when I was admitted to the hospital, his world was turned completely upside down. He acted out by hitting and had a huge potty training regression. It was tough for me to ask people to watch him because I knew he would be difficult to be around, especially if he didn’t know the person well. It was a huge help when my mom was able to take Liam the majority of the time. It helped Liam to have the same person watching him with a consistent routine. He knew what to expect from day to day, where he would be and when he would get to see me. I appreciated the many people who offered to take him, but I knew it was best if he wasn’t shuffled from house to house. I know it was hard for my mom to have him most of the time, but we were so grateful she was able to take care of him.

You Raise Me Up

April 27, 1991

Shortly after the dreaded phone calls, my brother, Don, and sister, Rosanne, arrived at the hospital carrying a folding chaise lounge. Always thinking ahead and being the protective big sister, Rosanne came prepared with something for me to sleep on if needed. Appreciating how lucky I am to have all my family live close by me and able to rearrange their Saturday evening plans to be with me, I felt loved, supported and secure with them uniting around me.

We got permission for all seven of us to go into Mark’s room together that evening. Tears were shed by each family member at the sight of a young man, who at the beginning of the day was full of life and excitement for a new job and the adventure of moving to a different city. Now he lay comatose, entangled in tubes that were connected to the equipment keeping him alive. Dad and my three brothers laid their hands on Mark’s head and gave him a blessing. Dad’s words were soothing and the spirit I felt was calming. I remember many of the words spoken, but most vividly I recall the love, concern and the comfort I felt. With Mark’s rotating bed stilled for the blessing, the pumping noises of the other equipment and strange I.C.U. smells seemed to disappear from the room.  In the midst of my darkest hours arose tender mercies. Surrounded by my family, the room became my sanctuary.

McKay-Dee Hospital was wonderful to us. They offered a room for us to sleep in at the Ronald McDonald House close by the hospital. My parents and I stayed in a room with a queen size bed and recliner chair. With my broken collarbone I couldn’t breathe lying down anyway so I slept in the recliner. My sister took back her chaise lounge realizing we had adequate sleeping arrangements and my siblings went home for the evening.

Like a wild fire, the word was spreading, leaving a painful scorch on all of our loved one’s hearts. The next day, being Sunday, many neighbors, friends, cousins, aunts and uncles gathered at the hospital. They were not allowed in the Intensive Care Unit so they shared their love and support with me in the waiting room. Mark’s Mom and Uncle Glynn flew in from Arkansas on Monday and his sister’s, Karen and Jerrie, flew in from Washington. They stayed a few days at the Ronald McDonald house with us. I was in awe at the number of people who came. Each person’s love and support lifted me up and added light to my days. They helped bring me out of the dark and deep hole I had fallen into, which gave me purpose and encouragement to move on and look upward.

I thought Mark would want me to go to his new employer, Robertson Electric, personally to let them know about the car accident and his condition. Dad and Steve went to the junkyard on Sunday to retrieve Mark’s tools and clipboard from the car. I looked in the clipboard to find his time card and the address of the office. Early Monday morning Dad drove me there and I met Mark’s employer for the first time. I explained that due to Mark’s condition, I didn’t know when he would be back to this new job he was so excited about. Mr. Robertson was kind and compassionate about the situation and told me not to worry. The job would still be there whenever Mark was well enough to work. I handed him Mark’s clipboard and he told me if there was anything he could do to help not to hesitate to call. For the next several weeks they called the hospital to check on Mark’s condition and sent him flowers.

The critical twenty-four hours turned into forty-eight and then seventy-two. As the days turned into weeks, my family devised a plan to encourage and enable me to go home on weeknights to be with our children, Christopher and Katie. Each brother and my brother-in-law, Klint, took an assigned night Monday through Thursday to stay overnight with Mark. They drove over sixty miles to go to the hospital right after work and in the morning they’d drive right back to their various workplaces. After I got the kids off to school, Mom would drive me to the hospital. She spent nearly every day there with me and then drove me home in the afternoon. Friday through Sunday I spent the days and nights there alone with Mark while the kids stayed at my parent’s home. Sunday Mom and Dad would bring the kids to the hospital for a visit then Sunday night, Dad stayed with Mark while Mom drove the kids and I home. Without a car and because of my broken collarbone I wasn’t able to drive for six weeks so I was totally dependent on my parents for transportation.

Every family member pitched in to help me as well as the children through this strenuous time. Friends and extended family drove many miles to see us while others flew from places too far to drive. People from different churches prayed for us. I felt the love and support of many and learned how caring and kind even strangers are. “You raised me up: to more than I can be” and I am forever grateful for you.

Six Traits of a Caregiver

Being a caregiver is not for everyone. The responsibilities such as bathing, dressing, feeding and overseeing the safety, physical and emotional needs of another person can be exhausting. Sounds a bit like parenting doesn’t it? Being a parent is one type of caregiving, but there are other types such as a professional who makes a living at it, or a family member, or a friend who are dedicated to help another. No matter what type of caregiver a person may be, there are common and important traits needed to perform caregiving duties successfully.

I was raised to be a caregiver. My parents gave care to their own parents and friends besides caring for their children. I learned from their example. However, I didn’t understand how hard it can be. I want to be clear that I don’t think less of anyone who hires a professional caregiver or caregiving facility as long as they don’t abandon their loved one. I know in some situations hiring a professional is the best and may be the only solution. I acknowledge that some are not physically, mentally, or emotionally able to care for another. By knowing the traits of a caregiver you can recognize if it’s for you and if it’s not, this information will help you find a great caregiver for your loved one.

1. Empathy. Helps identify vulnerable, scared, confused and uncomfortable feelings. By understanding, you can calm those fears and create a sense of trust. A personal understanding and connection is vital to giving care.
2. Compassion. Provides the energy and drive needed to sustain you through difficult tasks or while working with a difficult individual.  It also gives you a voice of encouragement and the ability to calm and reassure.
3. Patience. People being cared for take longer than usual to complete simple tasks or routines. Understanding the limitations of those you care for can help reduce tension in the environment. Good caregivers recognize capabilities and encourage self-sufficiency while still providing necessary levels of care and attention. Having realistic expectations about what an individual is capable of can help you provide the appropriate care. Sometimes their lack of ability can lead to frustration and lashing out. You must be able to separate yourself from potential anger and resentment and not take the situation personally. Being patient means you understand there may be changes in plans or things don’t move as quickly as you’d hope for.  Also, hearing the same old story or question multiple times can become stressful.  Knowing when and how to appropriately “take a moment” to prevent losing patience is essential.
4. Attentiveness. It is important to be aware of the needs and the changes that are taking place. Being attentive means being a good listener and noticing when there are emotional or physical changes in the person. It’s a bonus to have a creative mind that can and come up with inventive ways to deal with problem situations or overcome resistance.
5. Composure.  Caregivers often deal with bodily fluids, wound care, bathing and grooming tasks. A good caregiver does not shy away from delicate situations and works to help retain a sense of dignity. Many tasks associated with providing personal care are unpleasant for the caregiver and recipient alike. It can completely change the dynamics of the relationship with a spouse or son/daughter taking on parental tasks. Handling stressful or uncomfortable situations with confidence and grace is an important skill for caregivers. Also, knowing when humor is or is not appropriate helps. A good caregiver doesn’t chide or shame regardless of age or circumstance.
6. Compromise. In a home or facility care setting, caregivers are bound to encounter other family members with differing ideas on how best to care for a loved one. Conflicts are inevitable. Sometimes you have to compromise to diffuse tense situations. It’s important to thoughtfully focus on what’s needed most to manage disagreements in an effective and positive way.

Being responsible for the care and well-being of another is a highly committed role and is also rewarding.