The Importance of Raising Resilient Children

I suppose it’s natural for a parent to want to protect their child from disappointment and heartache. I worried for more than six weeks about when the right time would be for our kids to see their dad who was comatose and had several other life threatening health problems from the car accident. They asked me every day when they would be able to see him. At ages seven and eight years old they couldn’t understand how severely hurt he was until they saw him. I don’t claim to have all the answers, nor do I know that my timing was perfect. What I do know is that I had their best interest in mind when I made the decision. Christopher and Katie were stunned when they walked into the room where their dad lay unconscious. At the first sight of him they stopped in their tracks and with unbelieving, widened eyes looked at him. The surgical masks they were required to wear in his room hid their opened mouths. Afraid to get any closer, they stayed just inside the doorway, speechless. What I learned from this experience is that our children are stronger and more resilient than I realized. They quickly recovered from the shock of their dad’s condition and the next time they saw him they weren’t afraid.

Since life is full of various illnesses, threats, tragedy, death, family and other relationship problems, it’s impossible to save them from all the adversities of life. Therefore, it’s essential to help our children rise above hurting because disastrous things will happen in their lives. Just as it is with adults, it’s common for children to experience setbacks, unwanted challenges, failures and even difficulties at home and school. If we protect our children from every fall, which is tempting to do, how will they learn to bounce back? As adults, it’s rewarding to see resilient children who are capable of effectively handling disappointment, failure and obstacles. Teaching children how to recover from hard times is important.

Here are four great tips I found on http://www.raisingresilientkids.com/.

Tip # 1 Give Our Children Undivided Attention

Quality time with children is more than just being with them physically. We must give them undivided attention by listening with our heart. When we give our full attention, they will feel important. They will be confident they can trust and depend on us in handling their situation.

Tip #2 Put Yourself in Your Child’s Shoes

When you face difficult situations and setbacks, you may talk to your spouse or a friend about it. All too often their response will be, “It’s okay, you can try again next time.” There’s nothing wrong with this reaction, however, it’s not what you wanted to hear. You want empathy and assurance that they will be with you until you are able to recover from your disappointment. Your children also need these things when they are down. They don’t want lectures or advice. Letting them know you understand them and you’re willing to support them will teach them resilience.

Tip # 3 Don’t Judge or Criticize Your Children

Accepting your children for who they are is one of the best ways to make them resilient. Well accepted and appreciated children become more confident and strong in facing any obstacles in life. If they aren’t criticized for the way they are, they become more appreciative of themselves and do better in life.

Tip # 4 Determine Your Child’s Strengths and Help Them Develop Those Strength

Each child has his own strengths and weaknesses. For example, if your child is good at music or a craft, help develop it and don’t try to make him excel in math or sports. Helping your child know his strengths will promote resilience in letting him know that he excels in somethings.

I would love to hear about a time when your child has been resilient or a tip on how you’ve taught this important trait.

 

The Importance of Being Assertive

Positive assertive communication is based on mutual respect, an attitude which defends your rights without hurting those of others. Being assertive shows that you’re willing to stand up for your interests and express your thoughts and feelings. It also shows that you’re aware of the rights of others and are willing to work on resolving conflicts. As an example see Experience is a Great Teacher.

When using passive communication you may seem to be shy, overly easygoing, or avoiding conflict. Why is that a problem? Because the message you’re sending is that your thoughts and feelings aren’t as important as those of other people. When you’re passive, you give others the license to disregard your wants and needs, which can cause an internal conflict because your needs came second. The internal conflict can result in stress, resentment, anger, or feeling you’ve been victimized.

When using aggressive communication you may come across as a bully who disregards the needs, feelings and opinions of others. You may appear self-righteous or superior. Very aggressive people humiliate and intimidate others and may even be physically threatening. You may think being aggressive gets you what you want, however, it comes at a cost. Aggression undercuts trust and mutual respect. Others may come to resent you, leading them to avoid or oppose you.

By being assertive you gain self-confidence and self-esteem, which helps earn respect from others. It improves your communication and decision making skills. Recognizing and understanding your feelings and communicating them assertively creates honest relationships and win-win situations. It’s a behavior where a person neither attacks nor submits to another person’s will, but expresses beliefs. Assertive is half way between passive and aggressive and is the ideal method of communication. It also helps with stress management, especially if you tend to take on too many responsibilities because you have a hard time saying no. Some people seem to be naturally assertive, but if you’re not one of them, you can learn. Here are some tips I found from the Mayo Clinic website to help you become more assertive:

• Assess your style. Do you voice your opinions or remain silent? Do you say yes to additional work even when your plate is full? Are you quick to judge or blame? Do people seem to dread or fear talking to you? Understand your style before you begin making changes.
• Use ‘I’ statements. Using “I” statements lets others know what you’re thinking without sounding accusatory. For instance, say, “I disagree,” rather than, “You’re wrong.”
• Practice saying no. If you have a hard time turning down requests, try saying, “No, I can’t do that now.” Don’t hesitate — be direct. If an explanation is appropriate, keep it brief.
• Rehearse what you want to say. If it’s challenging to say what you want or think, practice typical scenarios you encounter. Say what you want to say out loud. It may help to write it out first, too, so you can practice from a script. Consider role-playing with a friend or colleague and ask for blunt feedback.
• Use body language. Communication isn’t just verbal. Act confident even if you aren’t feeling it. Keep an upright posture, but lean forward a bit. Make regular eye contact. Maintain a neutral or positive facial expression. Don’t wring your hands or use dramatic gestures. Practice assertive body language in front of a mirror or with a friend or colleague.
• Keep emotions in check. Conflict is hard for most people. Maybe you get angry or frustrated, or maybe you feel like crying. Although these feelings are normal, they can get in the way of resolving conflict. If you feel too emotional going into a situation, wait a bit if possible. Then work on remaining calm. Breathe slowly. Keep your voice even and firm.

Four more tips that I want to remember for assertive communication:

• Be respectful and kind.
• Use specific examples, don’t generalize.
• Provide objective and pertinent insights.
• Don’t judge or attack the others.

What tips do you have on assertive communication? What has been your experience with doing so?