Last Thursday, Dr. Matt Townsend, a relationship expert, spoke to a group of survivors and caregivers at the Intermountain Medical Center. He presented life-changing skills with humor, teaching me how to improve my relationships in an entertaining way. I enjoyed his presentation so much that I’ve been listening to his many short videos on a variety of topics dealing with relationships while I work. If you like to listen to fun, uplifting, concise talks, you should check out his website.
A synopsis of what I learned from Matt is that life keeps changing and some experiences change the way we think and feel. Although our experiences may differ, we share feelings of: loss, sadness, insecurity, embarrassment, inadequacy, anxiety and/or depression at some time in our lives.
He quoted Carl Jung, a famous psychiatrist, “That which is most personal is most universal.”
Matt professionally counsels people for a wide range of challenges. Some have financial, fidelity, abuse and a variety of addictions. He calls these problems the smoke rather than the cause of the fire. He states we all have seven basic needs and we feel starved when those needs aren’t meet. When we feel starved, we don’t want to feed the other and the bond is broken, which ignites the fire.
We all want loyalty, happiness and honesty in a relationship. To feel joy and peace in a relationship we must feel:
- Safe – including physical, financial, mental, emotional, social and spiritual safety
- Trust – consisting of honesty and competence
- Appreciation- hearing or seeing words of approval (remember it takes four positives to ease one negative comment)
- Respect – showing through words and deeds
- Validate – hearing what is said to understand without having to agree
- Encourage – getting into the heart of your loved one and doing what you can to help them reach their goals
- Dedication – committing to your relationship and making them feel more important than any place or thing.
Matt said trauma or health issues are the number one way to expand in these areas. We don’t grow unless we are pushed. We learn through our challenges.
When these basic needs are not met, we feel starved which makes it hard to fill your loved one’s needs. We all feel love and express love differently. Gary Chapman, author of The 5 Love Languages, describes how some of us feel love by: words of affirmation, quality time, receiving gifts, acts of service and physical touch. We tend to give love to another in the manner that speaks love to us. However, it is better expressed in the language your loved one speaks. Matt says his wife’s love language is acts of service. He vacuums or does another household chore and she’s appreciative. His love language is physical touch. They’ve tried holding hands while he vacuums, but that’s just too awkward.
To learn more about The 5 Love Languages and to discover your own love language, visit: http://www.5lovelanguages.com
We all want loyalty, happiness and honesty in a relationship. To feel joy and peace, we must feed the relationship. “You must be the change you wish to see.”- Gandi
Matt is the founder and president of Townsend Relationship Center, a relationship skills-building organization.
To hear Dr. Matt Townsend’s presentation of The Starved Relationship see: