Learning the Languages of Love

Written by, Katie Wilson Ferguson

The most life-changing book I’ve read is “The 5 Love Languages” by Gary Chapman. In less than 200 pages, Chapman taught me how to better understand every relationship I’ve had. While the original book is targeted to married couples, the information has also helped me in my relationships with family, friends, clients and business associates.

In short, we usually show kindness in our own love language. Those expressions might not be fully understood if the recipient doesn’t share the same love language. The two biggest points the book taught me are:

1. My love and care for another individual is better understood when I express it in his or her love language rather than my own.
2. I better recognize others’ love and care for me as I remember they are expressing themselves in their own love language rather than mine.

In my last article, A Village of Support, I shared how family and friends showed support to my family after my mom had surgery and while I was taking care of my dad. These kind loved-ones were probably expressing their concern for us in their own love languages.

The 5 Love Languages taught throughout the book are:

Words of Affirmation

Loved ones sent my mom cards with encouraging, thoughtful messages. My parents showered me with gratitude by thanking me and complimenting me several times a day.

Quality Time

Some friends showed they cared with a personal visit or phone call.

Receiving Gifts

My maternal grandma and other family and friends sent my mom flowers. My paternal grandma sent a box of homemade cookies.

Acts of Service

Friends and family showed us love by bringing dinners. I showed my love by caring for my parents and doing some housework.

Physical Touch

Some great examples of this love language are backrubs, snuggles, kisses and holding hands. This isn’t just applicable to romantic relationships. 

I have two love languages: Acts of Service and Quality Time. I appreciate compliments, gifts are nice, hugs feel good, but nothing says I’m loved more than these two questions: “How can I help you?” and “Want to go to lunch on Saturday?” Likewise, nothing frustrates and hurts me like an unfulfilled promise or last-minute broken commitment.

We express all the love languages at different times and often express multiple love languages on one occasion (for example, visiting a friend and taking a gift). However, some love languages feel more natural than others, so those are the ones we use most frequently.

What is your love language?

To learn more about The 5 Love Languages and to discover your own love language, visit: http://www.5lovelanguages.com

Fear is Natural

Fear doesn’t feel good, but I do believe it’s natural and means we’re growing. Katie Ferguson did the graphic design for this quote to go along with her Feel the Fear and Do it Anyway story and Power in the Positive tip.

Power in the Positive

Written by, Katie Wilson Ferguson

I’ve read several self-help books and attended many workshops and seminars. The most beneficial thing I learned is how to cope with fear and consequently build my confidence. I also learned helpful goal-setting techniques. In my opinion, overcoming fear and setting goals go hand in hand since fear has often stopped me from accomplishing tasks in the past. As Robert Allen said, “Everything you want is just outside your comfort zone.”

In my last article, Feel the Fear and Do It Anyway, I discussed how I overcame some fears by writing about the outcomes I wanted. I used the same principles I use when setting goals. Here are five of my favorite techniques:

1. Only set goals you truly desire.

Don’t worry about what others want you to accomplish. Limit your goals to what will bring you true happiness.

2. Write your goals down.

It’s been proven time and again that people are more likely to accomplish goals they put in writing. Goals should be written in present tense so they don’t become a thing of the distant future.

3. Focus on the positive outcome.

This is my favorite technique and I believe it’s the most important. Focus on what you want rather than what you don’t want. Our minds think in pictures. If I tell you to not think of a purple pony, what do you picture? A purple pony.

I’d rather focus on the goal of a toned waistline than the goal of eliminating belly flab. Those two goals have similar meaning, but one brings a more motivating picture to mind. The more we focus on what we want rather than what we’re trying to avoid, the more powerful the goal becomes.

In my last article, I mentioned I wrote my fears down. But I quieted those fears by writing about the positive outcomes I wanted. I wrote “I am able to transfer (my dad) safely and with confidence” rather than “I don’t drop and injure my dad.”

4. Attach emotions to the goals.

Emotions add fuel to our goals. Attaining a toned waistline becomes more exciting when you add: “I feel fit, energetic and comfortable in all my clothing with my toned waistline.”

5. Reward yourself.

Achieving goals becomes a fun and motivating experience when we track our success and reward ourselves. We, of course, need to review our goals often so we can track our progress.

Feel the Fear and Do It Anyway

In May, my daughter, Katie had her hands full as she cared for me and her dad. I’m thrilled she accepted to be today’s guest author. 

Written by, Katie Wilson Ferguson

2015, Katie on the zip line at Park City, UT

My recent caregiving experience reminded me of a chilly afternoon on March 1, 2015 when I stood on top of a 65-foot high tower in Park City, Utah. The mountain air smelled fresh. Some of the snow from the previous day’s storm was melting. The view was gorgeous.

With my helmet on, I was strapped into a harness clipped onto a 377-foot long rope. Just one step off the platform and I’d be zip lining above the treetops to the second tower.

What if the rope breaks? I thought to myself. What if my harness comes undone?

Feel the fear and do it anyway, I told myself as I stepped off the platform. I gasped and held my breath until I felt the rope catch my harness. I looked down to enjoy the mountain scenery as I glided above the pine trees.

I made it to the second tower where a young man greeted me. “How was it?”

“It was scary!” I replied, knowing the scariest part was about to come. The only way down from the second tower was to step off the platform for a 65-foot vertical drop.

“Just walk off the platform. Don’t run or jump off. If you’re scared, don’t look down,” he said as he fastened my harness to another rope. The rope went straight to the ground where another employee and my husband were waiting for me.

Feel the fear and do it anyway, I reminded myself. I walked off the platform before I could talk myself out of taking the plunge. I heard screaming, then realized the racket was coming from my own mouth.

2015, Katie plunging from the drop tower, Park City, UT

I didn’t stop screaming until I made it to the ground safely. I was shaking from fear, excitement and the pride I felt from conquering my fear. I smiled at my husband. “Did you hear me screaming? I wanna do that again!”

“Feel the fear and do it anyway,” is a saying I picked up at a personal development seminar several years ago. It’s also the title of a personal development book by Susan Jeffers, which I haven’t read yet. The statement reminds me it’s okay to feel scared, but it’s important to accomplish what I set out to do before I talk myself out of it. I’ve learned my confidence grows when I achieve goals that scare me. As I prove to myself I can accomplish an intimidating task, my comfort zone expands and I feel it’s possible to do even greater things.

A of couple months after my zip lining adventure, I moved in with my parents for five weeks to take care of my dad while my mom recovered from hernia surgery. Because I’m a self-employed graphic designer, I had the ability to pack up my home office to work and live at my parents’ house. My husband and I decided it would be best for him to continue living at home with our dog during weekdays and they would stay with me at my parents’ house on the weekends. Shortly after making the commitment, my mind became consumed with fears.

How will I stay on top of my work while caring for my dad? What if the experience creates friction in my marriage? What if it causes contention between my parents and me? My biggest worry was—What if I drop my dad while transferring him into his wheelchair or bed?

Dropping my dad might seem like an unusual fear, but I felt it was well justified. In October of 2011, my dad fell off the side of his bed twisting his ankle, which resulted in a bad sprain and torn ligaments. My mom usually stands my dad up when she transfers him, but he couldn’t put weight on his injured ankle. It was difficult for my mom to take care of him, so I stayed with my parents a few days after the injury to help my mom.

My dad is already prone to seizures, but his susceptibility heightens when anything else goes wrong in his body. Even when he catches a common cold he has more seizures. My dad had to endure the pain of his sprained ankle in 2011 and the additional seizures.

I knew if I dropped and injured my dad it could cause him pain, which could cause him to have more seizures. I was worried I wouldn’t be able to care for him on my own.

Those fears and dozens more were buzzing around my head for days following the commitment I made to take care of my dad. I decided to hush my fears by typing them out as they popped into mind. The worries spewed out of my head, through my fingertips and onto my computer screen. I reversed my list of fears by writing a story about the outcomes I wanted. I turned my worry of dropping my dad into statements like: “I am able to transfer him safely and with confidence. I take excellent care of my dad.” I re-worded my concerns of feeling contention with my husband and parents into, “My parents, husband and I communicate effectively…so there can be peace in our homes and lives.”

Being a spiritual and prayerful person, I took what I wrote and prayed for God to help me be successful.

A couple days before my mom’s surgery, my husband and I went to my parents’ house to learn how to transfer my dad in and out of bed and to discuss his daily and weekly schedules of care. I helped my mom dress him many times while I was growing up. As children, my brother and I helped get my dad into our family car before we got a van with a wheelchair lift. I’d seen my mom transfer him hundreds of times. Because my dad is tall and stiff, I never wanted to transfer him by myself. My mom is stronger than the average woman and I didn’t think I had the physical strength to transfer him on my own.

My mom gave my husband and I some pointers on how to successfully transfer him and then asked who wanted to practice first. Eager to get it over with, I volunteered. My dad leaned forward in his chair. I faced him, squatting to keep my back straight. I put my forearms under his armpits and my palms on his shoulder blades. His hands were on his armrests so he could push up. Feel the fear and do it anyway, I thought.

“Okay Dad, ready? One, two, three.” I pulled my dad up as he pushed off his wheelchair to stand up. He and I pivoted his body so I could sit him on the side of his bed. We did it! I conquered the fear before I could talk myself out of it. My comfort zone expanded and I had more confidence to move into my parents’ house and put our plan in motion.

Katie, I love you and this analogy, but you obviously didn’t get your sense of adventure from me. Just looking at the pictures makes me gasp. I’m glad that’s crossed off your bucket list and hope you don’t do it again. However,I appreciate your ability to overcome fear, especially the one of transferring and taking care of your dad. I enjoyed reading your point of view and imagine most caregivers at first feel the fear of that plunge and do it anyway. I can’t wait to hear the rest of the story next week!

Dad Creating Beauty After Tragedy – Part II

Continuation from June 15, 2014, Dad Creating Beauty After Tragedy.

Written by, Katie Wilson Ferguson

1997 – Katie & Mark in Jamestown, VA.

Age fourteen was an especially rough year for me. Dad had been in a wheelchair for half my life due to a traumatic brain injury from a car accident. He started having seizures, which always scared me. His memory was getting worse. I felt frustrated when he couldn’t remember the name of the school play I’d been rehearsing for and talking about, but he could describe the swing he had as a child in detail.

My parents always talked and acted as if Dad would regain all his abilities, but at age fourteen I started realizing life wouldn’t go back to the way it was before the car accident. I was angry with God and felt He abandoned us. I was grateful He spared my dad’s life, but I didn’t understand why He didn’t make Dad all better. He was working hard to regain all the abilities he once enjoyed. I felt my dad deserved more.

1998 – Mark &  Katie in Zions National Park

About this same year, my family was driving to my cousins wedding reception and got lost. The stress of trying to find the venue and running late led us to argue. We finally arrived at the destination feeling tired and ornery. We were just in time to join the other guests in watching the bride dance with her dad. I looked at my dad sitting in his wheelchair and was overcome with jealousy. My heart broke as I thought I wouldn’t be dancing with my dad at my wedding. Emotion flooded my eyes with tears and I ran out of the room and into an empty elevator. As soon as the elevator doors closed, I lost all control and sobbed. I escaped back to my family’s van and hid there for the rest of the reception.

I regularly babysat two neighbor girls ages seven and ten. While babysitting one summer afternoon, we walked to my house to get something and they met my dad for the first time. While walking back to their house, the girls asked me the same questions I often heard. “What happened to your dad?” they asked. I thought back to when I was seven, and explained my dad’s brain injury the same way adults had explained it to me back then. “My parents were in a car accident, and now his brain has a hard time telling his muscles what to do. That’s why it’s difficult for him to walk and talk and do the things most of us get to do without much effort.”

The girls asked how old I was when the car accident happened. The seven-year-old became especially intrigued when she realized I was her age when it happened. She asked, “What happened to you?”

“I wasn’t in the car accident. I was home with my brother and babysitter.”

“No. I mean what happened to you after?” She wanted to know how the car accident affected me.

I don’t remember how I responded, but her question caused me to reflect on how my family had been served by so many people. I thought of how my brother and I stayed with our grandparents and extended family often while my dad was in the hospital. I had my own toothbrush at Grandma and Grandpa’s house and at my aunt and uncle’s house. My toothbrushes at both houses had my name written on with nail polish. This was a small thing which helped me feel at home in someone else’s house. When we stayed with my aunt and uncle, my cousins read to me from the book “Charlotte’s Webb.” This also helped me feel at home since I was use to my dad reading me bedtime stories.

I have seen so much goodness in people because of my family’s experience. Some of my parents’ neighbors have generously given their time to help my dad with exercises on a regular basis – some of which have been doing it for more than seventeen years.

Twenty-three years after their car accident, we are still blessed to have love and support from family and friends. I’ve been surrounded by angels my entire life, many are disguised as human beings.

The biggest angel of all is my Mom. She has been my dad’s full-time caregiver and his biggest advocate. At one point during my childhood, she had three jobs to support our family while raising two kids and caring for my dad. I’m so proud of my mom. I used to say I wanted to be like her when I grew up. If I ever do grow up, I can only hope to have the strength and determination she has. I am grateful for all the years she has served and loved my dad. I don’t think any person can truly understand all the sacrifices she has made over the years. She has prayerfully fought her battles with grace and wisdom. I think my parents’ relationship is far more impressive than anything I’ve heard from a fairytale or seen in a movie.

2003 – Katie & Eldin’s Wedding Reception with Mark and I

After I had been married for about a year, my parents met me for lunch at a restaurant. We were quietly eating when I looked around the crowded room and realized my dad was the only person there in a wheelchair. I wondered if that ever bothered him. My thoughts were interrupted when my dad sat up in his chair with a big smile on his face and declared, “I’m the luckiest guy here!”

“Why?” I asked.

He replied, “Because I’m sitting next to the two most beautiful women in this room.” Dad’s so busy looking for the good in every situation he doesn’t have time to notice the bad.

2013 – Katie and Mark

My dad has taught me the keys to happiness through his example. He chooses to be happy by having a sense of humor, being productive, forgiving, grateful and maintaining hope. My dad once said, “Adversity is the exercise that strengthens the muscle of character.” I think my dad’s muscle of character has Hercules strength.

Thank you Katie for sharing more of your story. Teenage years are hard under the best circumstances. I’m sure your dad’s health and your mom being overwhelmed with responsibilities added to your stress. I’m grateful we all survived those hard years. From this article I learned a lot about your feelings and appreciated your honesty. I am proud of the resilient person you are and the sunshine you bring into my life as well as others. I’m so lucky you’re my daughter!