In Remembrance

Cemeteries look beautiful this time of year with decorated graves including flowers, wreaths, balloons and flags adding color and variety to the area. I appreciate having a holiday dedicated to the remembrance of those who have passed and have changed our lives for the better. In honor of Memorial Day, I like to post an article by someone who recently lost a loved one. This year Peggy Martin shared her Tender Mercies amid the challenge of losing her husband of forty-nine years. Her ability to recognize the blessings during this hard time is inspiring. Remembering the purpose of this holiday is to show respect and reverence for those who lost their lives in the U.S. military, I’ve found three thoughts worth sharing.

One of my favorite quotes by Carl Jung, “That which is most personal is most universal.”

This weekend as we honored those who have passed, I thought about the how and why we lost our loved one, is most personal. However, the grief felt with that loss is most universal.

I’ve included five of my favorite quotes concerning grief.

And one of my favorite songs

What’s your favorite quote or thought concerning Memorial Day, veterans, death and grief?

Relating Articles:

Twelve Things I’ve Learned About Grief

Blessings From Grief

Twenty Things to Know About Grief

A Better Today

For decades, Decoration Day was observed on May 30. Businesses closed their doors to honor and decorate the graves of the American soldiers who had lost their lives in battle. It wasn’t until 1971 when the Uniform Monday Holiday Act passed, declaring Memorial Day to be observed on the last Monday in May in order to create a three-day weekend to honor our fallen soldiers. While the federal holiday isn’t about the start of summer, it has evolved into that over the past forty-five years.

May is also the month of graduation for many students and for many more it’s the end of a school year which adds to the excitement for the beginning of summer. The anticipation for summer activities and vacation brings some level of stress to most families and when you have a family member with special needs, the anxiety level may increase. Physical, mental and financial limitations can bring disappointment and frustrations when family time doesn’t work out the way we’d hoped.

Often the demands and responsibilities weigh heavily on just one person. Possibly without even realizing it, all of the caregiver’s attention and energy is directed on the one person who seems to have the most needs. However, as Christine reminded us in Laura’s Story, Part 7, there are others who need our care and devotion. As a caregiver, how can you meet the needs of the one with disabilities and not neglect your other loved ones? It’s a very difficult balancing act.

My children had a wise elementary school counselor who was concerned about their needs not being met after our tragic car accident. She recommended I spend some one-on-one time with each child weekly. Following her advice, I took turns taking one child out for ice-cream, bowling or some other activity while the other child stayed home with Mark for an hour or two. At the time, it seemed like a lot of effort on my part, not because I didn’t want to be with them, but I worried about Mark and the child left at home. Although I regret not being able to be more carefree with my children, I treasure the memories of the one-on-one time I spent with them.

In Laura’s Story, Part 6, Christine reminisces about their trip to Disneyland and another fun day at the local amusement park, Lagoon. This article reminded me of the importance of taking time to play with our families. As a caregiver it’s easy to feel like you don’t have the time or the money to do so. However, good memories are important for building a strong family, one that can withstand hardships.

Including Mark, even with his limitations, we tried to continue our summer traditions of barbeques, camping, roasting marshmallows over a campfire and a summer day trip to Lagoon with our kids. We also took a few extended trips over the years to Washington and Arkansas to visit parents, sisters and grandparents. Every outing was much harder and required more planning with Mark’s disabilities. I remember the stress of preparing to leave the house and feeling like my energy was completely drained when returning home from these family activities. However, my efforts are rewarded by good memories that far out-weigh the difficulties. Now that our kids are grown, I cherish those times more than I thought possible. I now realize the benefits of taking a break from our everyday responsibilities and the impact it had on our family’s well-being.

Memorial Weekend is more than looking forward to the start of summer and creating family memories. It’s a time to remember those who gave the ultimate gift. In their honor we should pursue peace and happiness. There is no better place to start than within our own families and building meaningful experiences.

Thank you to all the American military who died in wars fought for our freedoms so we could have a better today and tomorrow.

Please feel free to add any soldier remembrances or ways you’ve created worthwhile family memories.

Laura’s Story, Part 6

In February, Christine Scott started sharing childhood segments of her life with her mentally disabled sister, Laura. It’s been inspiring to get a child’s perspective on her family’s caregiving journey and the trials they had to withstand. The first segment of Laura’s Story, recounts her birth and slow development. In Part 2, Christine recalls the impact of Laura’s seizures and in Part 3,  Laura’s fight with cancer. Part 4, reveals how Christine, at age ten, learned about the accident which lead to her father’s death and Part 5, recognizes the community of angels who helped her family get through their darkest days.

Christine has agreed to share a few more insights on the challenges and rewards of growing up in a caregiving household where another family member requires so much of the care due to health issues and concerns.

Written by Christine Scott

Christine Scott

To be honest, I want to be finished writing Laura’s Story—and I don’t want to dwell on the next segment because it was such a difficult time in my life. When sitting down to write this, the sadness and loss makes me tired. At this point, I wish the story took a happy twist and I could report on how we all lived happily ever after. However, this story isn’t one of my works of fiction and processing the hardships I experienced is an essential part of my recovery process. Not to mention—many of you have expressed your interest in finishing the story and I don’t want to let you down.

We lived with my grandparents for six weeks after my dad died and then we moved into a rental house around the corner. My mom wanted to stay close to her parents so she could lean on them and have help raising us.  My fondest memory of this house was the crab apple trees planted in front. My grandma would have me pick the crab apples, and then she’d make the best jelly out of them. However, I struggled with the move. The kids at my new school weren’t as friendly as in Morgan. And the kids in the new neighborhood openly made fun of Laura, which didn’t seem to happen as much in Morgan. I missed riding horses with my friend and the bike rides from one end of the Morgan valley to the other. I dreadfully missed living in a small town where there were wide open spaces and next to no traffic. I still do. Some things you never grow out of.

About a year after my dad died, my grandma was hospitalized for pneumonia. After she was released, my grandpa had a minor heart attack and was hospitalized.

A few days later they were getting ready to release my grandpa from the hospital and when my grandma and mom arrived to pick him up, they discovered he had sustained a major heart attack. When the hospital staff approached my grandma to sign the paperwork to treat him, she collapsed. My family always assumed she had suffered a stroke. She was admitted to the hospital.

The doctors operated on my grandpa and put in a pacemaker, but his heart was too damaged. He passed away a few hours later. Grandma was unable to attend his funeral due to her hospitalization.

Laura Hill

My mom had moved close to her parents for their support, but within a short year, the situation had reversed and she was the one helping them. Mom rose to the occasion and pulled through even more challenges—once again proving her strength and resiliency. Much of my baby brother’s care fell to me. Laura had reached puberty, which threw her seizure medications off balance so she started having seizures again.

A few weeks ago while reminiscing with my mom about this time in her life, expecting to hear about her struggles, I was surprised by her positive attitude. We discussed the family trip we took to Disneyland shortly before my grandpa died. It was a trip my parents had planned to eventually take, but with my dad’s business struggles there had never been enough money. At this point my mom’s financial situation had significantly improved due to the royalties she had received for my dad’s hang glider plans. So she decided it was time to take her dream vacation to Disneyland. My grandpa didn’t want my mom to go alone, so he and my grandma accompanied her.

My mom packed us all up in her Ford Granada and we headed to Anaheim, California. I remember being excited about staying in hotels and swimming. I loved Disneyland and was completely disappointed when grandpa insisted we leave before dark. My mom loved this trip. It is one of her fondest memories of my grandparents.

Speaking with her about the Disneyland trip made me remember the trip my family took to Lagoon on the Sunday before my dad died. It was a mild fall day and the lines for the rides were short. We were able to go on our favorite rides as many times as we wanted. My dad was attentive to my family and mom was happy. It was day I wished would never end.

As I relived these memories with my mom, I realized that these times we have with our families are precious gifts that transcend the challenges and heartaches. It is when we are together and for a brief time, when life is in rhythm and we feel at sync with the life around us. These moments are beautiful gifts and evidence of Heavenly Father’s hand in our lives—and when remembered—outweigh the grief.

Thanks Christine for sharing another segment of your life with Laura and your family’s caregiving trek. When I read this article, the importance of taking time to play with our families is what stood out to me. As a caregiver it’s easy to feel like you don’t have the time or the money to so. Good memories are important, as you have so eloquently described. A break from responsibilities is essential for the family’s well-being. I’m grateful for the reminder.

 

Feeling Lucky

Nestled in the beautiful Wasatch Mountains just above the University of Utah Hospital is the Huntsman Cancer Institute (HCI). The front of the hospital is nearly all windows that overlook the Salt Lake Valley. Not only is this a beautiful hospital with breathtaking views, it has great reviews. I add mine to the thousands that are already out there.

I had never been to HCI until this week. Our daughter Katie was recently diagnosed with thyroid cancer and chose to have her surgery at HCI on March 5, 2014. As we drove up to the hospital into the circular valet parking area I was immediately impressed with the appearance of the facility. It was classy, warm and inviting. It did not resemble any hospital I’d ever seen and I believe I’ve seen every hospital in the Salt Lake County. As Mark and I entered into the main lobby area it felt spacious and opened. There was a gorgeous seating area, with nice comfortable furniture, an information desk on one side and a grand piano on the other. A beautiful staircase of cherry wood and steel took you up to the next floor or you could choose to take the elevators which framed with marble. I thought I had walked it to the finest hotel in Utah.

Katie’s surgery was on the third floor. The waiting room had a beautiful view of the valley as did all six floors. The waiting room was decorated with several shamrocks hanging from the ceiling and placed on the walls by the check-in area. The shamrocks added a lucky charm to the room and I said, Katie, don’t you feel lucky to be treated in this place?” She chuckled at my question.

As Katie was checking in, I noticed a plaque “Cancer Is So Limited—It cannot destroy love.  It cannot shatter hope.  It cannot corrode faith. It cannot destroy people. It cannot kill friendship. It cannot suppress memories. It cannot silence courage. It cannot invade the soul. It cannot steal eternal life. It cannot conquer the spirit.”

I showed it to Katie, inspired by the sentiment that cancer cannot take away what’s most important. As we sat for a few minutes waiting to be called into the surgical waiting room, I decided it was the perfect time to give her my gift. She laughed as she unwrapped the gift and stated it was the coolest T-shirt she’d ever seen.  Back in the surgical waiting room I laid the T-shirt over her blankets so the good luck charm would influence her and the doctors. She was a good sport about it and it made a fun conversation piece for the long wait.

The surgery went well, however the cancer had spread to at least two lymph nodes, so those were removed with several others that surrounded the two infested lymph nodes. It was almost a three hour surgery with another hour in recovery before she was wheeled into her room.

What a welcome sight she was for Eldin, Mark and I. It seemed like we had waited forever. Her color was good along with her spirits. She was relieved as we all were that the surgery was behind her now.  The nurses were as wonderful as the doctors. They welcomed her to Hotel Huntsman with narcotics and took very good care of her. The following day she was released to come home.

The rooms were spacious and comfortable. Check out the beautiful molding in the bathroom. There is also molding around the ceiling. What an amazing place to treat a dreadful disease. Thank you, thank you Jon Huntsman Sr. for a beautiful facility and a caring staff. You are one of my heroes for doing an awesome job. I’m feeling lucky for my daughters successful surgery!

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Let Go of the Things You Can’t Control

Jon M. Huntsman

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