Twelve Things I’ve Learned About Grief

Keep Moving Forward

Grief is not easily discussed or thought about, yet it is something we all experience. My Sunday post, The Dreaded Phone Calls, caused me to reflect on the grieving process. Twenty-three years ago I had limited experience with grief and I’m still learning about the grieving process. I’ve done some research and realize it’s helpful to know what you’re facing and to know you’re not alone. For that reason I’d like to share what I have learned through my experience and research.

1) Grief is a normal part of life. If you love, it is inevitable and it doesn’t take the death of a loved one for it to come. It can appear with the loss of a job, relationship, and opportunities. A life altering accident or illness will cause one or possibly all three, which compounds the grief.

2) The pain is intense. I was not prepared for the emotional pain level I felt. It far out-weighed the physical pain of a broken collarbone and bruised body. Don’t be surprised when emotional pain manifests itself more severe than any physical pain you have experienced.

3) It takes time to heal. My world as I knew it ended, but life does go on, slowly. A new normal does come. You may be okay one minute, one hour or one day and not the next. Learn to accept what your heart and mind are feeling and work through it. Each of us grieves differently. Some situations and circumstances take longer than others. Be patient with yourself and others.

4) It’s okay to cry. No apology is necessary and you should do it as often as you need without feeling weak or embarrassed. But it’s okay to laugh, too. Don’t feel guilty for feeling positive emotions even when dealing with a loss.

5) Take care of yourself. Do healthy things you love even if you don’t feel like it. Eat healthy and take time to exercise. You may feel like you’re just going through the paces of life. Remember, you are still living and need to take care of yourself.

6) Don’t shut people out. It may appear by doing so you will save yourself from more pain and the self-pride of doing it alone. Most people want to be strong and do things on their own. However, cutting yourself off from relationships or refusing someone’s help can hurt you and others. It’s okay to ask for help and it’s okay to need people. Tell friends and family specifically what you need. They will probably thank you for doing so.

7) Grief is a mixture of emotions. I felt despair, numbness, emptiness, guilt, anger, confusion and sadness. These emotions materialized at different times and in different ways. I didn’t like it or want it, but there was no going around it. The only way to get through it is head on.

8) Don’t hide from the pain. If you do, it will fester and grow and consume you. It’s tempting to rationalize, if I don’t think about it, it’ll just go away. While I do believe being busy helps—it’s not an escape from grief. Some people use hobbies, work, relationships or even liquor, sex, drugs, in hopes it will take the pain away. If you are using anything to try to numb the pain, it will make things worse in the long run. Seek help if you’re dealing with the sorrow in unhealthy ways.

9) No one will respond perfectly to your grief. People, even people you love, will let you down. Possibly they are too full with their own grief. Friends you thought would be there won’t be there and people you hardly know will reach out. Be prepared to give others grace. Be prepared to work through hurt and forgiveness at others’ reactions.

10) God will be there for you. Prayer is the gateway of communication with Him. He understands your emotions better than anyone. Your prayers may not be answered the way you want them to be, but without a doubt, He is near to the brokenhearted.

11) You will ask “Why?” If you’re like me, you’ll ask it many times and you may never get an answer. What helps is asking, “How? How can I change and grow from this, how can I become better, how can I embrace others?”

12) Grief changes you. Life will not be normal and routines may need to be different. Try to keep as much structure as possible in your life and minimize the amount of change. Grieving takes most, if not all, of your strength. Do not worry if you don’t have as much energy as you did before your loss. Don’t feel guilty about doing less. Realize anniversaries, holidays, birthdays, places, objects and people may all trigger memories surrounding your loss. Be prepared for a gush of grief during these times. The process of grieving makes a person change who they are emotionally, physically, mentally and spiritually. It is okay to change. Embrace the change rather than fight it.

What things have you learned about grief that you wish you’d known before your loss?

Resources:

“What To Know About Grief” by Kelly Baltzell M.A. & Karin Baltzell Ph.D                                “15 Things I Wish I’d Known About Grief” by Teryn O’Brien

 

Jon M. Huntsman’s Story

Information found on the Huntsman Cancer Institution Website:

Jon M. HuntsmanThe story is all too common: a man—a husband, brother, father, grandfather, and friend—is diagnosed with cancer. He seeks treatment, and doctors do what they can within their resources to save his life. He looks to his loved ones for support and encouragement. His cancer is treated successfully and he waits, hoping it will not recur.

While the narrative is common, it happened twice to an uncommon man: Jon M. Huntsman. Mr. Huntsman is chairman and founder of Huntsman Corporation, a multinational chemical manufacturing and marketing business with world headquarters in Salt Lake City, Utah. Through his cancer diagnosis, treatment, and recovery—which took place at top facilities across the United States—he felt a void in cancer care. “It felt impersonal, and for a disease in which treatment is often ongoing, it took place in environments that were cold and medical, places less conducive to healing.”

During his journey to recovery, Jon M. Huntsman and his wife, Karen, committed themselves to advancing cancer research and care for others, including the atmosphere in which that care takes place.

In 1995, the Huntsman family pledged $100 million to construct a state-of-the-art cancer center in Salt Lake City. Shortly thereafter, the Huntsman’s pledged another $125 million. Almost two decades later, Huntsman Cancer Institute and Hospital is world-renowned. The individualized care patients receive from multidisciplinary teams of doctors, nurses, radiation therapists, and pharmacist’s helps heal their bodies. Social workers and support groups help patients keep their spirits strong, and a wellness program helps them maintain fitness and good health with diet and exercise appropriate to their condition during treatment and beyond.

Huntsman Cancer Institute’s mission is to understand cancer from its beginnings, to use that knowledge in the creation and improvement of cancer treatments, to relieve the suffering of cancer patients, and to provide education about cancer risk, prevention, and care.

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It seems as though cancer touches every life, if not personally, then through a family member or friend. Nobody wants to hear the “C-word” diagnosis, and when I first heard my daughter Katie had it, I was filled with fear. I realize thyroid cancer is less serious than many other kinds of cancer, but it’s still alarming especially when it’s spread to lymph nodes. It’s comforting to know Katie is getting treatment at one of the best facilities.

I’m so impressed with the doctors, nurses and the beauty of this facility. I’m grateful for Mr. Huntsman. His generosity and passion for finding a cure for cancer made me curious about what drives a billionaire to donate so much of his wealth to this cause. My research only made my admiration grow for this man. His donations of more than $1.2 billion made him dropped from the “Forbes 400” in 2010. The world has 1,200 billionaires and he is one of only 19 to have donated more than $1 billion. What a remarkable man!

While researching I came across this six minute interview,  published on Nov 30, 2012. Jon Huntsman Sr. talks about his childhood growing up broke in Blackfoot, Idaho and how his goal now is to find a cure for cancer and die broke doing it.

Other cancer survivor stories can be found on the Huntsman Cancer Institute website, “Survivor Stories”, along with lots of other helpful information on cancer.


 Related Articles:

Let Go of the Things You Can’t Control

Feeling Lucky

The Benefit of Learning Centers


 

Tips For A Successful Doctor’s Appointment

doctor-cartoon-characterCommunication is the key to a successful appointment. Have you ever been frustrated when the doctor leaves the room because you forgot to give him or her some important information? Do you think of questions you regret not asking—leaving your doctor’s office dissatisfy?

Your relationship with your doctor should be a partnership. The better you are able to communicate your needs and understand your options, the more productive your appointment will be and the more likely you are to get the necessary treatment. The time you have with your doctor is brief—if you’re lucky you get fifteen to thirty minutes.

Preparation will help you make the most of your appointment—and that anxious moment in the exam room as you wait for the doctor to arrive is not the best time to begin preparing for your visit. I’ve listed some steps I like to take before seeing the doctor.

1)  Write down all your symptoms, noting when they started and whether they get worse at certain times of day or in certain situations. The more accurately and completely you can describe your symptoms, the more likely it is that your doctor can identify your health problem and prescribe an effective course of treatment.

2)  Research your symptoms. The more you learn about the possible causes of your symptoms—and what your treatment options may be—the better equipped you’ll be to discuss your care with your doctor and understand his or her instructions.

3) Write a brief outline of your medical history, and list all medications you’re currently taking. Always keep a copy of the history and medication list to use at future doctor appointments.

4)  Learn all you can about the procedure. If you’re likely to need a medical procedure—whether surgery or a diagnostic test, such as a colonoscopy or mammogram—before your visit learn all you can so you’ll understand your options and be able to discuss them intelligently.

5) Make a list of questions to ask. When the doctor sees you have a list, he or she realizes you’re prepared and will want to make sure they have covered everything on your list before leaving the room.

When you go to your doctor’s appointment equipped with the above information, I’ve found it’s easier to lead the conversation and get the most out of the visit. The best part—the doctor will appreciate you coming prepared.