You Raise Me Up

April 27, 1991

Shortly after the dreaded phone calls, my brother, Don, and sister, Rosanne, arrived at the hospital carrying a folding chaise lounge. Always thinking ahead and being the protective big sister, Rosanne came prepared with something for me to sleep on if needed. Appreciating how lucky I am to have all my family live close by me and able to rearrange their Saturday evening plans to be with me, I felt loved, supported and secure with them uniting around me.

We got permission for all seven of us to go into Mark’s room together that evening. Tears were shed by each family member at the sight of a young man, who at the beginning of the day was full of life and excitement for a new job and the adventure of moving to a different city. Now he lay comatose, entangled in tubes that were connected to the equipment keeping him alive. Dad and my three brothers laid their hands on Mark’s head and gave him a blessing. Dad’s words were soothing and the spirit I felt was calming. I remember many of the words spoken, but most vividly I recall the love, concern and the comfort I felt. With Mark’s rotating bed stilled for the blessing, the pumping noises of the other equipment and strange I.C.U. smells seemed to disappear from the room.  In the midst of my darkest hours arose tender mercies. Surrounded by my family, the room became my sanctuary.

McKay-Dee Hospital was wonderful to us. They offered a room for us to sleep in at the Ronald McDonald House close by the hospital. My parents and I stayed in a room with a queen size bed and recliner chair. With my broken collarbone I couldn’t breathe lying down anyway so I slept in the recliner. My sister took back her chaise lounge realizing we had adequate sleeping arrangements and my siblings went home for the evening.

Like a wild fire, the word was spreading, leaving a painful scorch on all of our loved one’s hearts. The next day, being Sunday, many neighbors, friends, cousins, aunts and uncles gathered at the hospital. They were not allowed in the Intensive Care Unit so they shared their love and support with me in the waiting room. Mark’s Mom and Uncle Glynn flew in from Arkansas on Monday and his sister’s, Karen and Jerrie, flew in from Washington. They stayed a few days at the Ronald McDonald house with us. I was in awe at the number of people who came. Each person’s love and support lifted me up and added light to my days. They helped bring me out of the dark and deep hole I had fallen into, which gave me purpose and encouragement to move on and look upward.

I thought Mark would want me to go to his new employer, Robertson Electric, personally to let them know about the car accident and his condition. Dad and Steve went to the junkyard on Sunday to retrieve Mark’s tools and clipboard from the car. I looked in the clipboard to find his time card and the address of the office. Early Monday morning Dad drove me there and I met Mark’s employer for the first time. I explained that due to Mark’s condition, I didn’t know when he would be back to this new job he was so excited about. Mr. Robertson was kind and compassionate about the situation and told me not to worry. The job would still be there whenever Mark was well enough to work. I handed him Mark’s clipboard and he told me if there was anything he could do to help not to hesitate to call. For the next several weeks they called the hospital to check on Mark’s condition and sent him flowers.

The critical twenty-four hours turned into forty-eight and then seventy-two. As the days turned into weeks, my family devised a plan to encourage and enable me to go home on weeknights to be with our children, Christopher and Katie. Each brother and my brother-in-law, Klint, took an assigned night Monday through Thursday to stay overnight with Mark. They drove over sixty miles to go to the hospital right after work and in the morning they’d drive right back to their various workplaces. After I got the kids off to school, Mom would drive me to the hospital. She spent nearly every day there with me and then drove me home in the afternoon. Friday through Sunday I spent the days and nights there alone with Mark while the kids stayed at my parent’s home. Sunday Mom and Dad would bring the kids to the hospital for a visit then Sunday night, Dad stayed with Mark while Mom drove the kids and I home. Without a car and because of my broken collarbone I wasn’t able to drive for six weeks so I was totally dependent on my parents for transportation.

Every family member pitched in to help me as well as the children through this strenuous time. Friends and extended family drove many miles to see us while others flew from places too far to drive. People from different churches prayed for us. I felt the love and support of many and learned how caring and kind even strangers are. “You raised me up: to more than I can be” and I am forever grateful for you.

Life Does Not Have to be Perfect

Three tips from Barbara Larsen’s Story, Joyce, an Angel in Our Home

1. Feelings of failure are normal. I have known Barbara Larsen for many years. She is a neighbor and dear friend. I never knew she felt like a failure nor did I ever think of her this way. I only saw the kind, loving sister she is. I am grateful for her honesty and it helped me realize that sometimes we just expect too much of ourselves.

2. Frustration is common. It’s understandable and okay as long as it’s dealt with in a positive way. Find outside help from family, friends, church or other organizations. Share the responsibilities and the blessings that come with it. Taking a break is necessary for overcoming frustration.

3. Care Centers can be the best solution. Barbara said, “It’s okay, if it comes to a point you can no longer take care of your loved one in your home. Let the professionals do it. There came a time when I knew others could take better care of Joyce than I could. It was difficult to let her go, but we still loved and supported her at the care center even though it was hard to watch her slowly leave us.”

I really appreciated the stories shared this month by three guest authors of a mother, grandmothers and a sister. Since it is the month we celebrate Mother’s and Memorial Day I thought these three stories would be a perfect match for this month. I learned a lot from each one and based the Tuesday Tips this month on their stories. Each caregiver’s loved one has passed into a better place where health is no longer an issue. Each guest author stated that caregiving was a lot harder than they thought it would be and needed to seek help from others. I echo this feeling and add, it’s a good thing we don’t realize how hard it will be or we might not be so willing. I was impressed that each one voiced the love, personal growth and appreciation for the opportunity to give care even though or possibly because it was the hardest thing they’d ever done.

These three stories helped me realized how similar caregiving is to raising children. Not only do they have like responsibilities, but when you’re in the middle of doing it—it seems like it will never end. However, it eventually does. Just like our children grow and leave our homes—our loved ones move on and return to their heavenly home. The responsibility does end and when it does there are things we will miss. Dianne, Julie and Barbara’s stories prompted us to appreciate the time we have and to make the best of our circumstances. Hopefully, in the end we won’t have regrets and we will be at peace, realizing we did our best.

I appreciated the honesty of each one as they expressed their overwhelming feelings and frustration at times. Thank you for reminding us that life doesn’t have to be perfect to be wonderful and neither do we.